Worker builds comedy persona around lack of productivity

AN OFFICE worker has been cracking jokes about his lack of output in an attempt to make it acceptable.

Junior accountant Joseph Turner has done no work for the past 43 days, sailing through with light-hearted japes about how he is ‘the office slacker’, ‘The Grand Master of Slack’ and ‘Lord Slackington’.

Turner said: “There’s no way I’ll be ready to deliver the report next week. I haven’t even looked at the figures, let alone analysed them. Classic Turner behaviour!”

He added: “This is a carefully engineered game of bluff. Who would knowingly draw attention to something that could get them fired? Mind games.”

Turner’s manager Susan Traherne said: “It’s fine, I myself haven’t been truly productive for years and I don’t expect much from the morons I hired except the odd moment of wry amusement.”

However Turner’s colleague Stephen Malley said: “Joseph’s such a loveable rogue that you can’t help but laugh even when the team misses its targets because of his laziness which means no bonus for anyone.

“Sometimes I joke that I want to bury my fist deep in his smirking, bone idle face.”

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Trump campaign apologises for using analogy

DONALD Trump has apologised for his son’s ‘reckless and confusing’ use of non-literal communication. 

A tweet by Donald Trump Jr, in which he compared Syrian refugees to Skittles, has left supporters fearful and unable to trust any kind of candy. 

Wayne Hayes III of Baton Rouge said: “I always like Skittles cause they’re fruit without none of the bullshit. So that means I like ISIS, too. 

“Help me, Donald. I don’t know who to point my gun at anymore.” 

Trump said: “My son apologises to each and every one of you for his idiotic mistake in using the high-faluting figurative language of Washington elites.  

“This campaign deals only in hard, indisputable, facts. Obama is a Muslim. Hillary has degenerative brain cancer. I am a sexually active billionaire. 

“The purple Skittles are planning to force Sharia law on the rest of the Skittles, who deserve it for being multicultural and gay.”