Worker who is top of office fantasy league also bottom of productivity league

A MAN who is in first place in his office’s Fantasy Premier League is also in last place for amount of work done, it has emerged.

Sales associate Tom Logan is miles ahead of his nearest FPL rivals after diligently managing his transfers, but trails them all in the revenue chart that will determine if his contract is renewed.

Logan’s line manager Donna Sheridan said: “Tom is always hunched over his computer looking serious, but he never seems to actually make a sale or answer emails.

“He looked pale last week and when I asked him what was wrong, he explained that he’d triple-captained Harry Kane because it was a double gameweek but he’d picked up a knock and now he might have wasted a wildcard.

“I didn’t know what that meant so I just nodded and made a mental note to sack the useless fucker at the end of the season.”

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Five deadly carnivores you'd rather sit next to at a wedding than Toby Young

THEY may be nature’s most lethal killers but at least they aren’t Toby Young.

Creatures that feast on flesh may not sound like the ideal wedding guests, but what if the choice was between sitting next to one of these ravening beasts or Toby Young? In that case, these are the beasts you’d be making small talk with whilst waiting for the speeches to start.

Polar bear – A polar bear could kill you in a matter of seconds. Toby Young is a good friend of Boris Johnson’s.

Tyrannosaurus Rex – The most dangerous dinosaur in history or a man who thinks wheelchair ramps are a sign of political correctness gone mad? You’ll be asking Mr Rex if he’s got any holiday plans this year whilst tucking into the delicious tomato soup starter.

Jaguar – May puncture your jugular with dagger-like teeth but at least it won’t bang on about tits in the needlessly elaborate vocabulary of a public school prefect and then steal your pudding.

Vulture – Giant bird or Toby Young? One pecks at the flesh of any dying buffalo that crosses its path and the other is a vulture.

Nigel Farage – I don’t mind sitting at the kids’ table you know.