Office workers lunching in park turn feral

AN increasing number of office workers who eat their sandwiches in the park are not returning to work or society.

As the sunshine continues, hundreds of al fresco lunch-breakers are deciding to go feral and live in a hedge rather than return to the misery of office-based toil.

Former inland revenue worker Emma Bradford said: “I had just finished my Thai chicken wrap when my colleague said grimly, ‘it’s time’.

“But rather than trudging back to the cubicle and putting on my headset, I listened to my heart. I could hear nature calling me, or at least the small public field with a basketball hoop that passes for nature in a city.

“I told them I wasn’t going back, and they could have my desk trinkets and the sachets of low-calorie chocolate drink in my top drawer.”

Tom Logan, who did marketing bullshit, added: “I sleep in the park’s sandpit. It’s itchy but I am free, I talk to the squirrels and the magpies, I eat leaves and drink rain water.

“There are others here like me, including a former temp worker everybody thought was in the stationary cupboard.”

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Other cans think San Pellegrino is an arsehole

ALL other canned drinks regard San Pellegrino as a smug prick with a stupid foil hat, it has emerged.

Coke can Tom Logan, of Sonni’s News, Islington, said: “We’ve got a San Pellegrino can in our fridge, and trust me, you’d be hard pressed to find a bigger dickhead.

“You can tell he thinks he’s better than the rest of us, just because he’s got a fancy foreign name and he’s 11p more expensive. I tried to chat to him once, but he just turned his back on me, and started talking to the Perrier bottles about some fucking BBC4 thing he’d seen.”

Sprite can Stephen Malley said: “I remember when he first showed up with that fucking foil hat on, I said to the Fanta, ‘That thing’s going out the door first chance I get.’ But then, when I tried to grab it off him, he started crying and saying how his ring pull would get all rusty without it.

“He’s such a fucking twat, honestly.”

Lilt can Donna Sheridan said: “We all call him ‘Wicksy’, because his little foil hat is like the one mad Joe Wicks used to wear in Eastenders.

“He just sneers at us and says he’s never seen Eastenders, but you can tell it gets to him.”