WIMBLEDON fortnight has begun amid sunshine and the imminent collapse of everything.
Britain is once again pinning its hopes on 2013 champion Andy Murray as he battles Roger Federer, Rafa Nadal and Novak Djokovic before flying to a secret island for millionaires as the rest of the world burns to the ground.
Tennis fan Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “Hopefully they’ll be able to finish the tournament before ISIS arrives at Folkestone or the banks collapse and Centre Court is overrun by a biker gang selling crack and strawberries.
“Andy’s been working with a sports psychologist, which I think bodes well. Oh look at that, my bank’s gone bust and I’ve lost everything. Anyway, I think Amelie Moresmo’s coaching technique is starting to come good.”
Andy Murray said he felt confident going into the tournament, adding: “If I don’t make it to the semis I’ll be disappointed, but also delighted as it gives me an extra day to get the hell out of here.
“I don’t want my last memory of Wimbledon to be watching it burst into flames from the window of a helicopter.”