Workers urged to admit they f*cked up

BRITONS have been urged to stop covering their arses when they make a hash of things at work.

“Sorry but I’m only fucking human”

Research by the Institute for Studies found that pathetic excuses and elaborate arse-covering are costing the economy £49 billion per year.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Too few Britons lack the integrity to just say ‘I did it wrong’ and take the consequences like a grown up.

“Mostly they either just blame someone else or write a long boring email highlighting the ‘strengths of the project’.”

Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “The bulk of my working week is spent trying to find scapegoats for my daily cock-ups and generally manipulating things so that I look less useless.

“It would be lovely to just say ‘I did it wrong’ but I am a bad person who will pull any kind of shit if it means I get to buy a Range Rover.”

Council manager Roy Hobbs said: “Last week I launched a ‘Free bikes for muggers’ initiative that in retrospect was a really bad idea.

“Instead of just keeping my head down or being really aggressive to anyone who questioned my judgement like usual, I sent and email saying ‘sorry I fucked up’.

“Everyone thought it was a massive joke because honesty is not practised here.”

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A & E now just a website

ACCIDENT and emergency services can now only be accessed via the internet, the government has announced.

‘Right-click if your head looks like this’

Under the new system, sick and injured people must visit A& where they can get advice from doctors and nurses or unqualified agency staff dressed to look like doctors and nurses.

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt said: “If you or a loved one is facing a medical emergency, you should proceed immediately to the nearest PC, iPad or outdated internet cafe.

“Following a Skype assessment you will be told how to treat yourself.

“In many cases this will be straightforward, such as closing up a wound with toilet paper, Sellotape and a dab of TCP.

“In the case of a heart attack, friends of the afflicted will be advised to stick their fingers in a light socket and turn it on and off to act as a defibrillator.

“During treatment the atmosphere of A&E will be recreated by having an incredibly pissed girl with fairy wings wandering around the screen calling everyone bitches and slags.”

Hunt admitted that a higher mortality rate was to expected among injured people with dial-up, or who live in a shared house where someone is streaming video upstairs.