Workers you think are flirting with you but are actually just being polite

IT’S crucial to remember that people working in shops and cafes are paid to be nice to you. Here are five you definitely shouldn’t hit on:

Coffee shop baristas

Just because they know you order a flat white it doesn’t mean they want to shag you in the disabled loo. It just means you go there all the time and boringly order the same thing. And they ask everyone their name, you dummy, because they need to know to what to write on your cup.

Bar staff

Bar staff smile at you either because they enjoy their work or because they’ve correctly recognised you as the type of tedious prick liable to say something like ‘cheer up, love, it might never happen’ if they don’t. There isn’t the teeniest hope that they will ever go home with you, so stop offering to buy them drinks, you weirdo.

Supermarket checkout staff

These people have been mindlessly beeping groceries all afternoon and have zero interest in being flirted with by some twat who thinks they are sophisticated because they’ve bought Jacob’s Creek wine instead of Blossom Hill. They’re not laughing at your witty jokes, they’ve just caught the eye of their colleague who has clocked you and mouthed ‘wanker’.

Cabin crew

Your life is in their hands so it’s unsurprising you find their quiet competence and smart uniform a bit sexy as they politely ask you what you’d like to drink. However, keep your lascivious thoughts yourself as if you boorishly attempt to ask one of them out after necking too many ruinously expensive cans of Heineken, you’ll find yourself arrested the second you land.

Estate Agents

Is it your imagination, or is that easy-on-the-eye estate agent flirting with you as they mention the ‘comfortable master bedroom’ and ‘shower with room for two’? No, that’s really happening, but the only thing they want from you is a quick sale and a big commission rather than an illicit screw on the brand new carpet. They’ll be treating you like a contemptible piece of crap the second you’ve signed on the dotted line, so don’t get your hopes up.

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How Britain will no longer exist by the end of Liz Truss's speech: a minute-by-minute guide

BY the time Liz Truss finishes speaking today, Britain will no longer exist. Here’s how it will happen minute-by-minute:

11.05am: Truss takes stage and opens mouth. FTSE falls 140 points.

11.07am: Truss finishes first, awkward sentence. Pound approaches parity with dollar. Bank of England raises interest rates by 1.5 per cent. Labour lead polls by 80 points.

11.11am: Truss attacks ‘the anti-growth coalition’. Energy blackouts begin across country unable to import gas or oil. General strike called.

11.15am: Truss says she’s sick of hearing Britain done down. IMF outlines multi-billion pound rescue package. Food rationing and curfews announced. Riots across UK.

11.18am: Truss says ‘where there is change, there is disruption’. Taking her at her word, moderate Tories storm stage to take power. Hand-to-hand fighting between Cabinet loyalists and bankbenchers sees hall run red with blood. Truss continues speaking.

11.22am: Rebels hold Parliament but loyalists hold Downing Street, encircled and under siege. King Charles dissolves government and declares himself leader, but is not recognised by UN. Truss talks about growing up in Leeds.

11.27am: Ireland, France and an independent Scotland close borders to refugees from Britain after admitting more than 15 million. Army unable to enforce martial law. Black markets only accept euros and dollars. Truss outlines her clear plan to deliver.

11.32am: England and Wales divided between feuding warlords. Cities in ruins, countryside heavily mined. Half the population feared dead. Liz Truss finishes speech, surprised not to receive standing ovation from empty, roofless, burning hall. Leaves stage.