Working class kids to get brioche, chalk paint and crippling anxiety

POOR children are being given the three key middle class things as part of a government bid to improve them.

Working class children aged 6-13 will receive a weekly ration of brioche, expensive chalk-based paint and a text message outlining paranoid notions of how their neighbours are doing better than them.

Education secretary Michael Gove said: “Millions of poorer kids aren’t getting on because they aren’t comfortable with the aspirational values of their betters.

“They need to experience eating milk-infused bread, then painting their bathroom a pale shade of blue or grey while feeling massively insecure about their social status.

“Getting children to associate their self-worth with stuff they can’t really afford is the solution to creating productive, obedient citizens.”

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US and Europe on brink of passive-aggressive letter to Putin

THE United States and Europe have warned Vladimir Putin to watch his post box for a passive-aggressive bombshell.

President Obama and European leaders revealed they had a wide range of ‘powerful phrases’ at their disposal which can ‘communicate peevishness without being overtly provocative’.

A White House spokesman said: “We could say something like, ‘oh, we didn’t know you were going to invade Ukraine, maybe someone forgot to tell us’.

“Or there’s, ‘these days we tend to do things via the United Nations – it’s in New York, so you probably didn’t know about it’.

“And, of course, there’s always, ‘we’re not trying to tell you what to do, we’re just trying to help’.

“But that one is very aggressive so we would probably use that in the second letter if he throws the first one in the bin.”

A Kremlin spokesman said: “President Putin greatly enjoys receiving letters from effeminate Western men. He likes to read them out in a high-pitched voice.

“This sounds like it could be a really good one.”


From the Vaults…
‘I crush you’ by Vladimir Putin