POOR children are being given the three key middle class things as part of a government bid to improve them.
Working class children aged 6-13 will receive a weekly ration of brioche, expensive chalk-based paint and a text message outlining paranoid notions of how their neighbours are doing better than them.
Education secretary Michael Gove said: “Millions of poorer kids aren’t getting on because they aren’t comfortable with the aspirational values of their betters.
“They need to experience eating milk-infused bread, then painting their bathroom a pale shade of blue or grey while feeling massively insecure about their social status.
“Getting children to associate their self-worth with stuff they can’t really afford is the solution to creating productive, obedient citizens.”