World's female population listed in order of attractiveness

ALL the world’s women have been ranked by looks in a new list of The World’s Sexiest Three Billion Ladies.

As the trend for listing females grows, an all-male panel containing magazine editors, teenage boys, anthropologists and disgraced former game show hosts has created the first all-encompassing global attractiveness chart.

A spokesman for the World’s Sexiest Three Billion project said: “We thought it was unfair that only famous women were being judged as sexual fodder, so we’ve assessed them all and published the list in the 3 billion-page glossy magazine format with adverts for shirts and watches.

“This surprising and challenging list answers a lot of those nagging female sexiness questions – is my mum actually hotter than my wife? Which of my nans would other men most like to fuck?

“And of course, who is the world’s ugliest woman and would I do her if drunk?

“Just to be clear, that particular lady – Nikki Hollis – is nevertheless beautiful on the inside, where it counts. We’re not shallow.”

Teacher and world’s 1,495,496,658th sexiest woman Emma Bradford said: “I’ve just discovered I’m two million down the list from the actress who played Ailsa in Home & Away.

“I am angry about this whole thing on at least two levels.”



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Cameron: I preferred Razzle to Knave

PRIME minister David Cameron has discussed his boyhood softcore porn preferences, including a penchant for ‘grimy’ Razzle.

In a candid interview about his early teenage years, the prime minister admitted having ‘a stack of pornos as thick as a brick’ under his bed.

He said: “I was just like all teenage boys really. I’d be, you know, up in my bedroom hunched intently over a double-page spread.

“Given that I was reading 80s British porn, the images were usually of some 38-year-old woman with dinner lady hair sprawled over a motorbike.

“As I recall the art direction was never up to much – lots of pointlessly dangling chains, chrome and red velvet.

“But who knows, perhaps that cheap scuzziness was part of the fascination, on some deep psycho-sexual level.”

The prime minister added: “I liked Knave and Fiesta but Razzle was my favourite. There was something very real and grimy, perhaps even working class – in a good way – about it.

“And the stories were good.

“Porn is actually a great leveller. It unites boys from all walks of life.”

Cameron also discussed his late-teenage dalliance with rave culture.

He said: “The first pill I ever necked was a New Yorker I bought off a scouser. I was with George Osborne and Boris Johnson at one of the Biology parties.

“We were mashed. Although I later discovered that White Callies were better, more fluffy.”