'Yeah I think so' apparently incorrect response to 'Do you love me?'

A RELAXED attitude to whether you love people is unacceptable, boyfriends have discovered.

Partners across the UK are demanding ludicrously cut-and-dried answers to ‘Do you love me?’ when it is clearly an open-ended question.

Boyfriend Tom Logan said: “When I told my girlfriend Nikki I thought I loved her she went all psycho. You don’t expect that from someone you love quite a bit.

“Bu there are so many variables, like whether being with them makes you feel joyful and alive, or if you might meet someone better. Also my amount of love changes depending on how tired I am and when I last ate.

“If you think you love someone that’s pretty good. Nikki’s already miles ahead of my last girlfriend, who I definitely didn’t love but enjoyed having sex with, and I’ve told her that to make her feel special.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “There is only one correct response to that question and it’s also the answer to ‘Do you want to see the film that hasn’t got superheroes in it?’.”

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Five idiotic Irish border solutions Brexiters will love

ARE you a Brexiter with no grasp on reality? Here are some solutions to the Irish border problem you’ll consider perfectly sensible.

Invade the Republic of Ireland

The Republic of Ireland used to belong to Britain anyway, so the Irish are unlikely to object to the country reverting to the wise and compassionate rule of the British army.  

A quick blitzkrieg will quickly overwhelm the Irish army and Dublin will be renamed ‘Stag-Do-on-Sea’. It is impossible to spot a flaw in this excellent plan.

No border at all

After years of screeching “We’re full!” it might seem odd to have no border. However Brexiters are mainly concerned with keeping out Eastern Europeans and Muslims, whereas the Irish are okay, like Liam Neeson or Val Doonican.

Herbaceous border

An eight-foot wide border planted with a mix of brightly-coloured hardy perennials and South American grasses too delicate for smugglers to step across or terrorists to bomb without ruining its splendour for everyone.

Trained leprechauns

Leprechauns are small and crafty and thus ideal to sneak onto lorries travelling from Ireland to Britain and inspect their goods. If contraband or migrants are discovered the ‘little people’ will simply impound the vehicle using magic.

Killer robots

Swarms of nanobots will locate economic migrants and turn their brains to mush. Any IRA members smuggling arms will be blown away by Terminator 800s saying things like “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya – ASSHOLE!”.