You realise we do all the work, say immigrants

MIGRANTS have reminded Britain that they do pretty much all the work.

They pointed out that they were not invited to leave their cherished home countries as a result of some experiment in multiculturalism imposed by the liberal elite. Nor did they come here because it was their dream to luxuriate on the dole in Dover or Braintree.

Tom Booker, who anglicised his name to avoid having stale pastries thrown at him, said: “Do you seriously think we dreamed of leaving our homes to settle in your idyllic country of roundabouts, multi-storey car parks and precincts?

“We’re here to pick the strawberries you can’t be arsed to pick, pull the pints you can’t be arsed to pull, handwash the cars you can’t be handwash, wipe the elderly arses you can’t be arsed to wipe.

“But we do apologise if our slightly swarthy complexions and occasional grammatical errors are an intolerable burden on you.

“Naturally, we’ll follow government plans and sod right off back home. Oh, and if your economy should take an unexpected downturn, feel free to come over here and pick our potatoes.”

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Throwing a shit out of a window now romance

THROWING a turd out of a window, then retrieving it, then being rescued by firemen, is now considered romantic. 

After similar exploits went viral, women across Britain are finding themselves rejected by men who want real romance like fishing your own excrement out of a toilet, then disposing of it badly and becoming painfully trapped. 

Nathan Muir said: “I keep getting these woman who come back from the toilet with no thrilling stories to share and who seem offended when I ask.

“I’m just an old-fashioned romantic who wants to meet the right girl upside down over a shit, a bit like in that famous scene in Romeo and Juliet where she lobs a huge log off the balcony and it hits Mercutio in the eye.”