By homeowner Martin Bishop
YOU all think you’re so clever with your ‘qualifications’ and your fancy jobs. Well, I’ve made £600k on my house by sitting on my arse. So who’s clever now?
While you were at university studying gender bollocks, I was working as a spark. While you were doing a Phd in wanking yourself off, I was paying a cheap mortgage.
Now I’m living in a £680,000 house in Brighton that cost me a sixth of that, and you’re paying shitloads to rent a tiny little flat miles away. Who’s Professor Brainbox McBoffin now, you f**king mugs?
Some might say I just bought a house cheap in the 90s and and the housing market did the rest. But I was playing a long game. I remember saying to myself ‘Just wait till house prices skyrocket in approximately 20 years, Martin’. I definitely remember saying that.
I piss myself when I hear people go ‘Ooh ooh I can’t afford to buy’. Ever heard of hard graft, snowflakes? Admittedly I never worked that hard but I like mocking snowflakes. They’re useless twats. It’s in the Express.
My nephew says things are different now. I said, ‘Things are always different, we used to be monkeys.’ He said ‘That’s not really an argument’. Of course it’s a bloody argument. So much for his Cambridge degree.
Yep, I’m pretty pleased with my £540k earnings off my investment. I’m not planning to move or release any of the capital, it’s just nice to know you’re a success in life.
And I’m voting for anything that protects my cash. If a party promised a complete ban on building new homes they’d have my vote. Still, the Tories are near enough.
I’d like prices to keep going up until my house is worth £5 million. I don’t even like living here that much. All my mates have moved to Essex. I just like thinking about all the money I’ve made and you haven’t.