Your top five character flaws, ranked!

EVER wondered which of your deficiencies as a person really seals the deal? Find out: 

5. Your laziness

Only at the bottom of the list because you won’t be arsed to read any further. Your life is a series of half-baked endeavours you never see through because you’re a quitter. if you’d ever put in an ounce of effort then you could have been a loser in a completely different but slightly less predictable way.

4. Your stubbornness

It’s difficult to be told you’re stubborn because you react by bellowing ‘f**k you I’m not’ then storm out. But listen to your friends, family, colleagues and the staff at the Co-op: you are indeed an obstinate dickhead who needs to learn to accommodate others. Save face by saying you knew this all along.

3. Your overconfidence

Whether you’re offering advice about a job you know nothing about, relationships you’re not privy to or visiting places you’ve never heard of, you bluster in with inordinate misplaced confidence and make everything worse. If there was a bomb that needed defusing you would chip in with helpful tips because you once half-watched The Hurt Locker on a plane. You’re overconfidently ignoring this advice right now.

2. Your shyness

Only the loud and proud get anywhere in this world, yet here you are anxiously rehearsing your Starbucks order to yourself in the queue. It’s time you asserted yourself by following the advice of others to assert yourself. Stand up straight and stop bloody mumbling for starters.

1. Your personality

It’s bad enough that you’re lazy, stubborn, overconfident and shy, but these character flaws pale in comparison to your actual personality. At your very core you’re a deceitful, spiteful, people-pleaser with every other negative trait a person could possess. And yet you still manage to be boring. It’s almost impressive.

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Six essential cybersecurity tips to ignore entirely

YOUR money, your identity and your life are all online, and you’re still using the same password you used on MySpace in 2006. Ignore these tips: 

Implement the latest anti-virus software

You installed this and your laptop slowed to a crawl. So it’s effective in that any prospective hacker would give up on their slim hope you have bitcoin after five minutes waiting for the Tesco site to load, but otherwise a waste of £29.99 every quarter.

Regularly back up your data

You bought an expensive five terabyte external hard drive, saved your data on it and then forgot the password. Now you’re not even sure where it is. It simply does not get more secure than that.

Change your password regularly

Use a memorable combination of 15-85 characters comprised of upper and lower case letters, special symbols and ancient Sanscrit. Never write it down, except on the Post-It note taped to your desk. Change it every 14 days.

Never use public wifi

The public wifi at the airport has an incredibly dodgy-looking registration page that keeps crashing. It’s your choice: allow your private data to be instantly hacked, or miss your flight because you couldn’t download your boarding pass?

Implement two-factor authentication

Reverse a decade of quick one-click shopping by waiting to painstakingly input an extra code sent to your old mobile number, giving plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to kick in before the transaction has even concluded.

Update your system regularly

Crucial for combatting ransomware but f**king annoying when you’re just trying to send an email to Tom in finance, so just snooze it for approximately 3,600 days or until your entire identity is stolen and your life savings siphoned from your bank account. But updates can take 20 minutes and you’ll lose all your open tabs.