A day in the busy life of the Minister for Brexit Opportunities

by Mr Jacob Rees-Mogg Esquire, member for North East Somerset

9 o’clock. I summon my staff for instruction in the crowded intimacy of my chambers. A few appear to be malingering with bouts of the sniffles and I reiterate that there will be no ‘home-working’ on my watch. Nor masks, as these discourage camaraderie.

I explain that as Albion has thrown off the yoke of Brussels, we may seek out trading opportunities hither and yon in their abundance. Add: “It is truffle season, and you are my pigs. The first to present me with a gilt-edged Brexit opportunity will in turn be presented with this shiny sovereign. Now, to work!”

11 o’clock. My in-tray is empty. A good sign, showing that Brexit is Getting Done without delay. Sharpen my quills and enjoy light repose on my chaise longue until luncheon. Nanny has packed me a hamper of prime tuck – good, English fare. Little sates a man like tongue.

1 o’clock. An opportunity! We have agreed an export deal of volcanic rock from the southern Atlantic archipelago of Tristan Da Cunha – three sacks are already on the way with more to come.

This is a masterful compact which will bring hundreds of guineas to the exchequer. And our shipping fleet will be well employed fetching the rock, lying as it does 2,500 northwest of the Falkland Islands, so the symbolism is indisputable. Alleluia! A fig for the Flemish gnomes!

3 o’clock. In-tray stands proudly empty, as despite exaggerated reports of backlogs at Dover, there are none in my department. Brexit in smooth, clockwork motion. How the Continent must envy us.

5 o’clock. The working day ends, though I have made it known unpaid overtime is a moral duty. Nonetheless two of my minions are injured in the stampede to egress. They are so eager to spread the good word about the Lord’s Brexit and the opportunities it affords that they rush out.

I should not like to dampen that ardour, so I merely dock each of them the day’s pay. And so another glorious day of Brexit concludes. Glory! Alleluia! And God save the Queen!

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Crop circles, and other things aliens don't do

INTELLIGENT life may exist elsewhere in the universe. It may even have visited Earth. But it definitely did not do any of this bullshit: 

Anal probing

Aliens have discovered our planet. But instead of making their presence known, they abduct a couple of rural types to fiddle around with their arses. Why? What could motivate a space-travelling civilisation to give a beef farmer from Tisbury a prostrate exam? Are they simply perverts?

Crop circles

Again, we’re dealing with a level of technology far beyond our comprehension. Whether wormholes or warping space, they’ve come thousands of light years. And they shit about in a field making pretty patterns then piss off? Unless this spacefaring race is ruled by intergalactic crocheters, unlikely.

Cattle mutilation

Extraterrestrials are conducting experiments on Earth’s inhabitants. What kind of thing? Just randomly mauling some livestock in exactly the same way that, say, a wolf might. It’s genius in a way; these reported incidents look so much like an animal attack that rational people would never suspect they were done by Andromeda.

Build the pyramids

More impressive than the above, admittedly, but making contact with the Egyptians to give them a hand with some pointy buildings? Anyone who buys this basically believes aliens are little more than intergalactic white van men. And they probably f**ked off with the job half-finished, which is why they’re crap.

A sort of face on Mars if you squint

Those who claim aliens have visited our solar system point to the famous photo of Mars’s Cydonia region which shows a big rocky face. Great. If the only contact these aliens made was to create a GCSE art project that wouldn’t get a passing grade, it’s for the best they don’t make further contact.