Tearful Starmer confesses to second beer

A CONTRITE, tearful Keir Starmer has confessed that his first Beergate beer tasted so good he opened a second without thought for the consequences. 

The Labour leader, who is expected to resign after letting down his party, the country and his immediate family, admitted that he did not just stop after a single beer on April 30th last year.

He said: “I’d been working all day, though not as tirelessly as the Downing Street employees whose powerful need to relax broke a child’s swing, and felt I deserved a drink.

“After all beer does go so wonderfully with a curry, which is exactly the kind of out-of-touch Islington elitist dinner-and-booze combination that shows how distant from decent British people I am.

“But that beer – some of which I drank standing – slipped down so deliciously that I could not resist opening a second, in contravention of unwritten but clearly understood Covid regulations like ‘it’s not a party if the cake stays in the Tupperware’.

“As I guzzled it I knew I was betraying Britain and killing thousands. What can I say? The deaths of all those grandparents felt so good on my lips that I didn’t give a f**k.

“Then I returned to work, blind pissed on two drinks like a total lightweight, and that drunkenness was directly responsible for our terrible showing at last week’s council elections where the Tories only lost a triumphant 400 seats.

“I’m so sorry. I’ve already resigned. Labour isn’t allowed a leader from now on.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Seven brands that arseholes love

IN our capitalist label-obsessed society, some brands attract more tosspots, twats and knobheads than others. Avoid anyone devoted to these: 


Tesla fans – the majority of whom don’t own Teslas – live in a constant ego-trip, believing that aspiring to their vehicles makes them Elon Musk. Not understanding that he, like them, is a tool, making his theoretically worthy brand a byword for incel dicks that he didn’t even found.


When was the last time you saw someone in a Superdry hoodie who wasn’t a total wanker? Never, that’s when. The loudest prick in the beer garden is always wearing one, not realising the Japanese characters spell out ‘f**king mug’.


No-one needs a watch these days because we’ve got phones, so they’re exclusively status symbols. Owning a Rolex that costs more than a car reflects a lack of taste and warped priorities. You’re wearing five grand on your wrist. Don’t be shocked when you get mugged.


Kate Middleton wears Zara and so does your friend who, like Kate Middleton, thinks she’s better than you. You’ve chosen a brand that says ‘I’m something of a sneering arsehole myself’.

Anything called something like ‘Guild of Scoundrel Gentlemen’

Flat-cap wearing arseholes love to pretend they live in a cheeky version of Edwardian England where everything from their beer to their shaving cream stresses what a testosterone-jacked man they are. You’re not Tommy Shelby mate, you’re an estate agent.

Farrow & Ball

Not so much a paint, more a way of announcing your superiority to others by way of shades like Wimbourne White and Nancy’s Blushes. Now so nakedly aspirational it’s getting slapped up in new builds so the posh have abandoned it. Nobody will know it’s Farrow & Ball. You’ll have to tell them it’s Farrow & Ball. So what’s the point?

Under Armour

The preferred sportwear brand of those who regard themselves as a bit handy and who others stay the f**k away from, Under Armour is worn over tattoos quoting action films and pairs beautifully with convictions for ABH.