A CONTRITE, tearful Keir Starmer has confessed that his first Beergate beer tasted so good he opened a second without thought for the consequences.
The Labour leader, who is expected to resign after letting down his party, the country and his immediate family, admitted that he did not just stop after a single beer on April 30th last year.
He said: “I’d been working all day, though not as tirelessly as the Downing Street employees whose powerful need to relax broke a child’s swing, and felt I deserved a drink.
“After all beer does go so wonderfully with a curry, which is exactly the kind of out-of-touch Islington elitist dinner-and-booze combination that shows how distant from decent British people I am.
“But that beer – some of which I drank standing – slipped down so deliciously that I could not resist opening a second, in contravention of unwritten but clearly understood Covid regulations like ‘it’s not a party if the cake stays in the Tupperware’.
“As I guzzled it I knew I was betraying Britain and killing thousands. What can I say? The deaths of all those grandparents felt so good on my lips that I didn’t give a f**k.
“Then I returned to work, blind pissed on two drinks like a total lightweight, and that drunkenness was directly responsible for our terrible showing at last week’s council elections where the Tories only lost a triumphant 400 seats.
“I’m so sorry. I’ve already resigned. Labour isn’t allowed a leader from now on.”