Grunge and other musical micro-genres best forgotten

SOME categories of music change your life. Then there are these micro-genres which are not worth bothering your ears with.

Grunge

Grunge was an inherently sham genre used to describe Nirvana and other, lesser bands which sounded a bit like Nirvana. Musicians who openly embraced flannel shirts and the media hype missed the point and produced universally shit music, which is why nobody remembers them. And any genre inspired by a band called Mother Love Bone deserves to be erased by time anyway.

Jungle

Music aficionados will tell you that jungle music is an EDM subgenre spawned out of the UK rave scene in the 90s, which is a description that gets worse with every passing word. What they won’t be able to tell you though is a single artist or track name related to this genre. Was Goldie jungle? F**k knows.

Sea shanties

This excruciating folk-adjacent caterwauling made a brief, unfortunate resurgence during 2020, which only added insult to injury during the pandemic. As if the virus wasn’t bad enough, listening to men whose entire personality was based around having a beard sing about the sea was one of our few diversions. Let’s make a nationwide deal to forget about sea shanties if we have another lockdown.

New Age music

Not so much music as the audible manifestation of mediocrity. New Age music used to be confined to yoga studios and massage spas, but more persistent strains have since spread to dentists’ waiting rooms and offices. In comparison, the muzak you listen to while waiting on hold to make a GP appointment sounds incredible.

Whatever the f**k Björk is

Is it electronica? Is it opera? Pop, maybe? Nobody really knows, but whatever it is, it isn’t worth remembering. The only reason anyone has put up with Björk for this long is that she wears weird shit and lured us in with vaguely accessible songs in the Nineties. That was nearly 30 years ago though. Let’s move on.

You and five other people everyone bitches about

EVERYONE loves to slag people off behind their back, but who are the most popular targets? Find out with this guide.

Boss

The easiest target for spiteful gossip, but a deserving one too. Who wouldn’t get mad at some jumped-up dickhead who orders you around all day and only makes up for it by bankrolling your existence? Sure, they have more experience and expertise in your line of work, but that’s besides the point. They’re a knobhead.

Partner

A partner is someone you should share everything with, except for how much you bitch about them the second they leave the room. New couples will grumble about everything from splitting a bill to their beloved’s opinion on a movie, whereas long-suffering other halves will zero in on trivial shit like the way they breathe or how often they blink.

Colleague

A co-worker is either an incompetent f**kwit who should be fired immediately, or they’re a pathetic corporate brown-noser who will do anything to get ahead. There is no middle ground. Annoying colleagues do provide lots of bitching fodder though, which brings people together way more successfully than any team-building exercise.

Family

Just because you’re genetically related to them doesn’t mean you have to be nice about your family. Chances are they’re a random assortment of weird personalities you wouldn’t otherwise choose to hang out with, which is why you only visit them over Christmas or when you need money. Sadly you will become more like them the older you get.

Dickhead friend

Everyone has that one friend who is a total dickhead and should have been ostracised years ago. Just because they put a fiver towards your birthday present once doesn’t mean they are alright really. They’re a dead weight you need to let go of ASAP. And if this is news to you, then you are the dickhead friend in question.

You

It’s not hard to see why people moan about you. From the way you dress to the sound of your voice and your half-baked political opinions, you’re a rich source of bitching material. Plus the way you speak ill of everyone around you is pretty off-putting. No wonder there are several WhatsApp groups which refer to you as ‘that twat’.