You're On Your Own, Say Guide Dogs

BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.

As vets revealed a sharp increase in the number of attacks on guide dogs by other dogs the animals immediately said ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ and wandered off to look for some sheep excrement.

Roy Hobbs, a seven year-old Labrador from Peterborough, said: “I’ve been through five years of training, I had to pass three sets of exams and I have a special certificate with my name on it. In dog terms I’m basically the equivalent of an architect, or maybe a chartered surveyor.

“So you can understand my reaction when one of these uneducated FUCKERS comes up and starts giving me shit.

“I’m out there working for a fucking living, while these bastards sit about all day, licking their nuts and thinking they’re better than me.

“I know where the post office is. I can hear how close a lorry is. I can help some old blind guy cross a fucking road. Meanwhile they’re living on hand outs and sniffing 15 different kinds of piss.

“I think a lot of them might be foreign.”

He added: “Fuck this shit. I’m going to go and live in the country with a decent family who have an Aga I can lie beside and a paddock filled with a wide variety of faeces that I can work my way through without having to justify myself to a bunch of arseholes.”

Standing cautiously at the top of the stairs, Roy Hobbs’ owner Bill McKay, said: “Roy is very diligent, though he does drink a bit. I really hope he comes back, because I don’t think this is going to work with a cat.”

But Hobbs added: “It’s all fucked up. When I was young guide dogs commanded respect. Puppies would ask for my advice, I was the guest of honour at school prize giving ceremonies, I was quoted in the local press.

“And, I’ll be completely honest with you, I got a lot of fanny.”


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Fischer To Be Exhumed Using The 'Trompowsky Desecration'

THE body of chess genius Bobby Fischer will be exhumed using the classic ‘Trompowsky Desecration’, it was confirmed last night.

Authorities in Iceland said the exhumation of the former world champion should be a tense encounter with both sides keen to establish dominance early on.

Fjrdn Bjrnssn, one of Iceland’s most enigmatic legal gravediggers, will remove the casket before prising off the lid using the Larsen’s Opening, a move that is sure to delight chess exhumation fans all over the world.

It is the latest round of a best of five series, with Fischer battling to regain the initiative after his opponent’s highly effective Filipino Paternity Gambit.

Pundits say Fischer will either respond with a typical Eisenberg Variation before moving on to the Tamarkin Counter-Gambit of the Zilbermints Benoni, or he might just lie there and do absolutely nothing.

Julian Cook, editor of Hot Chess, said: “Fischer hasn’t played a competitive match for nearly six years so it may take him a while to warm up.

“If he does bring out the Tamarkin-Zilbermints it’s going to be a fantastic match. But if he offers something like a Petrosian Variation or the Evans Upside-Down Giraffe then we may as well whack him on the head with a frying pan and nail the lid back down.

“That said, my gut feeling is he won’t move a muscle.”

Iceland’s opening move is named after the gratuitous, two-pronged  exhumation of a neighbour’s cat by Brazilian grand master Octavio Trompowsky de Almeida in 1959.

Trompowsky died in 1984 but was himself exhumed three years later with a Richter-Veresov Attack by the Russian grandmaster Victor Korchnoi, who claimed the Brazilian had stolen his watch.