BLIND people across Britain were bumping into things today after thousands of guide dogs deserted their posts.
As vets revealed a sharp increase in the number of attacks on guide dogs by other dogs the animals immediately said ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ and wandered off to look for some sheep excrement.
Roy Hobbs, a seven year-old Labrador from Peterborough, said: “I’ve been through five years of training, I had to pass three sets of exams and I have a special certificate with my name on it. In dog terms I’m basically the equivalent of an architect, or maybe a chartered surveyor.
“So you can understand my reaction when one of these uneducated FUCKERS comes up and starts giving me shit.
“I’m out there working for a fucking living, while these bastards sit about all day, licking their nuts and thinking they’re better than me.
“I know where the post office is. I can hear how close a lorry is. I can help some old blind guy cross a fucking road. Meanwhile they’re living on hand outs and sniffing 15 different kinds of piss.
“I think a lot of them might be foreign.”
He added: “Fuck this shit. I’m going to go and live in the country with a decent family who have an Aga I can lie beside and a paddock filled with a wide variety of faeces that I can work my way through without having to justify myself to a bunch of arseholes.”
Standing cautiously at the top of the stairs, Roy Hobbs’ owner Bill McKay, said: “Roy is very diligent, though he does drink a bit. I really hope he comes back, because I don’t think this is going to work with a cat.”
But Hobbs added: “It’s all fucked up. When I was young guide dogs commanded respect. Puppies would ask for my advice, I was the guest of honour at school prize giving ceremonies, I was quoted in the local press.
“And, I’ll be completely honest with you, I got a lot of fanny.”