Society

A MAN is unable to tell if he is enjoying a pint in his favourite boozer or a rowdy nursery for parents and their newborn children.

A FOOTBALL being boisterously kicked around a crowded park is causing everyone to flinch in terror, it has emerged.

YOUR local pub has announced it is holding a weekend-long Festival of Twats in its extensive beer garden.

AN awful couple have built an enormous rear extension which has ruined their home and rendered their garden obsolete, it has emerged.

STAG dos are no longer the preserve of louts on the piss. Classy, refined grown-ups enjoy them too, and these horribly sophisticated things will happen.

EVERYONE has funny little tales to tell, and everyone gets halfway through it before realising their audience is bored shitless but they can't stop now.

A LONDON man who made a rare venture up North has come away believing that every female shop assistant, ticket inspector and receptionist wants to sleep with him.

THIS country is a dangerous cesspit nowadays. You can barely walk down the street without something terrible happening. Not like it was in my youth, when Britain was a safer and better place.

A LETTING agent is advising prospective tenants who do not want to live in a shithole to manage their expectations.

SEXUALITY is a mysterious thing, but society is learning more about it all the time. Here are five uniquely British sexualities that will be identified within 12 months.