Al-Qaeda Documents Could Have Been Found By A Frenchman, Say MPs

TOP-secret documents left on a Surrey commuter train could have been picked up by anyone, even a Frenchman, MPs said last night.

The powerful home affairs select committee has called for an urgent inquiry after France came closer than ever to discovering Britain's opinions about Al Qaeda.

Committee vice-chairman, Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "These documents are clearly marked, 'For Everyone's Eyes – EXCEPT THE FRENCH!

"Due to its refusal to drop cluster bombs on brown people, France has made itself Al-Qaeda's key ally in Europe. All those riot police clubbing the bejesus out of Algerian teenagers is fooling no-one.

"So why, on earth, were these documents left on a train that was not only carrying hundreds of potential Frenchman, but was even heading in the general direction of France?"

MI5 is currently tracking up to 2000 known Frenchman across the South East of England and officials believe there may be as many as 30 active plots to do French things on British soil.

Mr Finch-Hatton added: "I'd like to spend an entire weekend massaging baby oil into Carla Bruni's naked, quivering buttocks as much as the next man, but that doesn't mean… er… that doesn't mean… I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my train of thought."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

One Woman’s Week: Visions Of A Better Society

By Karen Fenessey

I’m sure many people have bad days at work but I guarantee no one has suffered the catalogue of errors that took place in my classroom yesterday. This is what happens when you take a stand against the most disgusting people in our society: RACISTS! Also, I may need an eye test.

It goes without saying that all racists should be punished by flogging, but this is particularly true for the racist juvenile. The latest addition to my P2 class is Fatima from Saudi Arabia, who took an irrational dislike to our little Pakistani pupil, Asma. At least, I thought stapling a Penguin wrapper to her ear and calling her a ‘dirty, dirty Pakistani’ was somewhat irrational.

“How dare you be racist in my classroom!” I said. “How would you like it if I called you a ‘camel-jockey’ or – and I can’t even bring myself to say this word so I’ll write it on the board.”

Just as I had finished writing ‘sand-n****r’ my lesson was interrupted by the unexpected entrance of the head teacher, Mrs Dixon. “Miss Fenessey,” she yelled, “What the heck is going on here?” As I struggled for something to say, young Asma piped up: “Fatima wrote it. She said Miss Fenessey was a sand n****r”. Mrs Dixon didn’t look convinced so she asked Oliver Templeton-Lauder what had really happened. “Yes, what Asma said,” Ollie confirmed. It’s this sort of inter-racial co-operation that makes teaching so worthwhile. What's more Fatima was soon crying like a total baby and when Mrs Dixon called her mother to come and pick her up, it felt like Christmas!

You might think I’d had a lucky escape, but the day was not over yet. Recently, I’ve had some problems with my long-distance vision (a fact I attribute to lethal X-rays emanating from Donny’s silly new Wii machine) and so, at the gates, I left Fatima with the short figure in green and black who I took to be her hijabed mother, but later turned out to be a wheelie bin.

If you ask me, long, flowing cloaks in this day and age are just bloody confusing and are fit only for flashers and wizards. So now Mrs Dixon has blown her lid again because some interfering moron got the police involved.

When I think about the sacrifices I make protecting humanity in today’s classroom, my blood boils. Especially when you compare it with the excessive behaviour of Middle Eastern people who just can’t let things lie.