Al Qaeda To Recruit Fatties

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

Christopher Biggins is probably going to kill you

Security experts warned the terrorist fanatics will turn their attention to fast food outlets and attempt to radicalise vulnerable individuals with leaflets about how western values lead inevitably to more exercise and less cheese.

Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Al Qaeda has studied our culture very closely and it did not take them long to work out that we are all physically repelled by the thought of a naked fat person."

The new scanners are designed to expose concealed weapons and explosives but, the manufacturers admit, will also produce high definition images of mountainous folds, sweat-filled gutters and greasy flaps.

Roy Hobbs, a security officer at Heathrow, said: "If some 20-stone gargoyle waddles up to the machine, I'm just going to wave it through.

"I know it could be carrying a bomb or a gun or a knife and could either blow up the plane or hijack it before flying it into Canary Wharf and killing hundreds if not thousands of people, but I've got to sleep at night."

The police said the new scanners would help in the fight against terrorism, but stressed that as soon as anyone under the age of 16 passed through the machine, the airport staff member on duty would be arrested immediately and placed on the sex offenders' register.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, airport staff are expected to ask Victoria Beckham to just really, really promise that she is not carrying a bomb.