Al Qaeda To Recruit Fatties

AL Qaeda is expected to focus its recruitment policy on ugly, fat people following the introduction of 'naked' airport scanners, it was claimed last night.

Security experts warned the terrorist fanatics will turn their attention to fast food outlets and attempt to radicalise vulnerable individuals with leaflets about how western values lead inevitably to more exercise and less cheese.

Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Al Qaeda has studied our culture very closely and it did not take them long to work out that we are all physically repelled by the thought of a naked fat person."

The new scanners are designed to expose concealed weapons and explosives but, the manufacturers admit, will also produce high definition images of mountainous folds, sweat-filled gutters and greasy flaps.

Roy Hobbs, a security officer at Heathrow, said: "If some 20-stone gargoyle waddles up to the machine, I'm just going to wave it through.

"I know it could be carrying a bomb or a gun or a knife and could either blow up the plane or hijack it before flying it into Canary Wharf and killing hundreds if not thousands of people, but I've got to sleep at night."

The police said the new scanners would help in the fight against terrorism, but stressed that as soon as anyone under the age of 16 passed through the machine, the airport staff member on duty would be arrested immediately and placed on the sex offenders' register.

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, airport staff are expected to ask Victoria Beckham to just really, really promise that she is not carrying a bomb.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Voters To Hire Jimmy Conway From 'Goodfellas'

THE row over MPs' expenses escalated last night as voters across Britain agreed to hire Jimmy Conway from Goodfellas.

With MPs threatening to claim expenses for legal action over their expenses claims, voters said they would now bring in the New York-based consultant to recover their money through a series of intensive, face-to-face meetings.

Tom Logan, a taxpayer from Hatfield, said: "We've explained the situation to him and he seems to think it should all be fairly straightforward."

As a free sample, Mr Conway yesterday took a group of voters to the constituency office of Conservative MP Douglas Hogg, where he gave a brief demonstration of his working methods.

Grabbing a telephone cord and wrapping it tightly around Mr Hogg's neck, he said: "You got money for that fuckin' moat, but you don't got my fuckin' money, huh?  Get the money, you fuckin' cocksucker, you hear me?"

A clearly distressed Mr Hogg appealed to the group of voters, adding: "I've been good to you, you've been good to me. But there's something really unreasonable going on here.

"Jimmy's being an unconscionable ball-breaker. I never agreed to three points on top of the vig. Am I something special? Some sort of schmuck on wheels?"

Steadily tightening the cord, Mr Conway insisted: "Gimme the fuckin' money, You hear me? You hear me? I gotta come here and you bust my balls? Gimme the fuckin' money. Gimme the fuckin' money. Gimme the fuckin' money."

An exhausted Mr Hogg then agreed to pay the outstanding amount in full as the group of voters thanked Mr Conway with a brief round of applause.

The goodfellow said his commission would be 10%, payable on completion, and that for particularly stubborn MPs he would bring in his associate Tommy DeVito.

Mr Conway added: "Hopefully one of your MPs will tell him he's funny. He loves that."