Army Can't Fight 14 Wars At Once, Says Duke Of Wellington

London, 26th of June, 1814

HIS Grace the Duke of Wellington has implored Parliament to limit the active engagement of the British Army from the current obligation of 14 wars to a mere eight.

In a letter to the editor of The Times the Duke gave dread warning that the Royal Scots and the Coldstream Guards are stretched beyond reason and in desperate need of new hats.

"Sir, these hats are not fit for a Frenchman," wrote the Duke. "I implore the Prime Minister and the Prince Regent to immediately make funds available for the commissioning of a new hat, which I myself have designed."

British regiments are currently suppressing four separate Indian rebellions, while the remainder of His Majesty's forces remains at war with France, Italy, Austria, Venezuela, the Ottoman Empire, China, Siam, Abyssinia, the Zulus and the Isle of Man.

"Without these fine new hats and the soldiers that fight beneath them, we will surely lose the initiative on the Iberian Peninsula," continued His Grace.

"In a matter of weeks the Horn of Africa will once again find herself besmirched by the dread clutches of the ghastly Turk!

"We must secure at once an honourable settlement which returns fair Siam to the stewardship of the Belgians, while acceding to Venezuela's alliance with the Emperor of Japan.

"Meanwhile, the Manxmen of the Isle of Man must be allowed to return to their goat molestations, unmolested."

His Grace concluded: "Sir, as the Duke of Marlborough once wrote, 'Great Britain must always be engaged in eight different wars. Any less is an admission of weakness, any more is just silly-buggers'."

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Switzerland To Be Devoured By Black Hole

PEOPLE worried that the world’s biggest physics experiment could destroy the earth were last night reassured that only Switzerland will be obliterated. 

Mini-black holes created in the giant underground Large Hadron Collider in Geneva will devour the landlocked alpine country almost instantly after the machine is switched on later this summer.

However, scientists said the rest of earth would escape unharmed, although a small part of south-east France up to Grenoble could also disappear in the worse-case scenario.

Physicist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "This huge and dangerous machine will recreate the exact circumstances that caused the Big Bang. Switzerland just seemed the ideal place for it.

"We were going to bury it under Vanuatu in the south pacific but then we went there, amazing beaches, and the women, out of this world. So we just run it from here.

"After we turn it on you may hear a slight pop followed by some not unpleasant vibrations, unless you are in Switzerland, in which case be sure you are wearing clean underwear."

Dr Hayes warned that the disappearance of Switzerland into a black hole might cause some minor disruption to holidaymakers in Europe this summer.

He is advising anyone planning a journey in the area to allow themselves more time than usual and to pack warm clothes and plenty of soup.