Army in house to house search for dangerous Hoovers

THE Army is kicking in doors across Britain today in the search for extreme vacuum cleaners.

Soldiers are ransacking thousands of homes, pinning householders against the wall and demanding to know if they own a vacuum that is more powerful than 1600w.

A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “Imagine what one of these monsters could do in the hands of someone who hates Britain.

“If some maniac went to a public place with a 1600w vacuum cleaner, presuming they have a long enough extension lead, they could place it against the thigh of an innocent person, leaving a distinct red mark.

“Of course that is assuming they have the necessary attachments. I think it would be quite difficult to lift an upright vacuum and place it against someone’s leg. They’re really quite heavy and so the intended victim could just move out of the way.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “Thank Christ someone stopped me. I was going to put this crazy bastard against my chin.”