Bikini-Clad Lovelies To Protect Airports

SQUADS of bikini-clad women are to be positioned outside airports in a bid to deter fanatical Islamic terrorists.

Security chiefs believe the bombers will turn back rather than confront the naked knees and loose morals of western women.

Admiral Lord West, the security minister, said: "If there's one thing we know about the Islamo-fascist it's that he hates the lovely ladies.

"When he's driving up to the airport in his petrol-filled Jeep he's expecting to see a lot of fat Glaswegians dressed in Macintoshes and the like.

"But then he turns the corner and 'whammo!' he's face-to-face with some of Britain's most delicious totty.

"His loins begin to stir, his resolve is weakened and me and my bevy of lovelies retire for a round of well-earned martinis."

The Bikini Squads are among a series of deterrents outlined by the government including a network of gigantic bollards and herds of roaming pigs.

Lord West added: "The Islamist no-likey ham and bacon. Here's hoping the site of a plump British porker will turn his stomach and send Johnny Jihad back to the desert with his tail between his legs."

The government has also announced a relaxation on airline baggage. From 2008 British air passengers will be allowed to bring back a third bin-liner filled with cigarettes and gin.

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Teachers Call For Smaller Pupils

TEACHING unions have called for all school children to be no more than 18 inches high in a bid to drive up standards.

The National Union of Teachers (NUT) said children are now too big to be taught effectively and only a radical reduction in child sizes will help Britain take on the Chinese.

Wayne Hayes, the NUT's child size officer,  said: "Ideally we want school-age children to be between 12 and 18 inches high.

"This means they can be picked-up and put in a bag or herded into corners.

"But they're not so small that you would stand on them, or miss them altogether and leave them locked in the school overnight."

He added: "Tiny children are more receptive to teachers, mainly because they look like terrifying giants.

"You're not going to be giving lip to someone who is four or five times taller than you and speaks in a big booming voice.

"They are also cheaper to feed – one large carrot would last them a week. And I'd imagine it would be great fun to race them."

The Department of Education said it would consider a tiny pilot scheme and is looking at an experimental breeding programme involving the top 12 National Hunt jockeys and Dannii Minogue.