Bikini-Clad Lovelies To Protect Airports

SQUADS of bikini-clad women are to be positioned outside airports in a bid to deter fanatical Islamic terrorists.

Bikini Squad

Security chiefs believe the bombers will turn back rather than confront the naked knees and loose morals of western women.

Admiral Lord West, the security minister, said: "If there's one thing we know about the Islamo-fascist it's that he hates the lovely ladies.

"When he's driving up to the airport in his petrol-filled Jeep he's expecting to see a lot of fat Glaswegians dressed in Macintoshes and the like.

"But then he turns the corner and 'whammo!' he's face-to-face with some of Britain's most delicious totty.

"His loins begin to stir, his resolve is weakened and me and my bevy of lovelies retire for a round of well-earned martinis."

The Bikini Squads are among a series of deterrents outlined by the government including a network of gigantic bollards and herds of roaming pigs.

Lord West added: "The Islamist no-likey ham and bacon. Here's hoping the site of a plump British porker will turn his stomach and send Johnny Jihad back to the desert with his tail between his legs."

The government has also announced a relaxation on airline baggage. From 2008 British air passengers will be allowed to bring back a third bin-liner filled with cigarettes and gin.