Britain backs anything to do with stealth bombers

BRITONS have given their full support to any activity that involves stealth bombers.

After alleged sonic booms were heard across the UK, householders said they hoped it was something to do with stealth bombers as they are awesome.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Stealth bombers are really retro and ooze 80s cool – they are the Adidas tracksuits of military ordinance. So much more funky than drones.

“If my home and family were getting bombed I would want it to be by a stealth bomber.”

Teacher Tom Booker agreed: “I consider myself a pacifist except where stealth bombers are concerned, because they are called things like ‘Nightwolf’ which totally captures my imagination.”

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Shopping stampede expected for Unfunny Toilet Humour Joke Gift Monday

SALES of tiresome penis and fart-related joke products are expected to hit £569bn today.

Queues are already forming outside of tawdry local gift shops selling t-shirts that say ‘Farter Christmas’, clockwork penises and aprons with tits on them.

Retail analyst Nikki Hollis said: “Unfunny toilet humour joke gifts are the real driving force of the Christmas retail market – indeed the entire UK economy depends on them – and the first Monday of December always sees a massive consumer stampede.

“This year we expect classics like the fake fire alarm that says ‘In case of fart break glass’, surprisingly explicit pornographic playing cards and plastic dog turds to perform strongly.

“But we’re seeing some popular new weak gag gifts including a latex mask that makes your head look like a vagina and a t-shirt with the slogan ‘Bosses are like farts – arsey and full of hot air’.”

Shopper Roy Hobbs said: “I want a target thing that goes down the toilet for every man in my family, and if anyone gets in my way I will properly beat them up.”