Cockroaches following North Korea story with growing interest

THE NEXT dominant species on the planet is following the news from North Korea with growing interest and enthusiasm.

Cockroach Wayne Hayes, who sees himself as a potential world leader after the fall of humanity, said: “There’s a lot of potential in all this and I’m totally glued to the Guardian’s live news feed.

“Like most humans I do not understand what is going on, but the words ‘underground nuclear test’ ‘annihilation’ and ‘fire and fury’ suggest that it’s bad.

“Or good, if you’re a dynamic, evolved insect species ready to emerge from the ashes, start doing a bit of basic agriculture with tame worms and build things up from there.”

However female cockroach Mary Fisher said: “I don’t like the way Wayne’s gotten so into this. His antennae are twitching uncontrollably with excitement and it’s horrible to watch.

“I think humans are okay. Squeamish to the point of idiocy, but essentially fine.”

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Woman who just wanted an Egg McMuffin on the train really not having best day

A WOMAN who just wanted an Egg McMuffin on the train to work is having a bad day, it has been confirmed.

Teacher Emma Bradford said: “Everyone’s on bloody strike. The trains, the staff at Maccies, the local workmen.

I’m assuming they were on strike anyway as they were just standing round drinking tea looking surly, but in fairness they look like that every day so it’s hard to tell.”

Martin Bishop, from Swindon, added: “It’s just so bloody easy for them to go on strike, isn’t it?”

I’m self-employed as a shoplifter, stealing things. Where’s my union, eh?”