D-Day remembered, by a gammon who wasn't there

NOBODY remembers D-Day better than Roy Hobbs, who was born just eight short years later. Here he tells us what it was like to be there, morally:

“We were gathered in the high-sided landing craft we’d christened the Holly Valance, waiting for dawn. The mood was nervous but resolute, like the morning of June 23rd 2016.

“As the assault began, I geed up the lads – women weren’t part of the attack, which to my mind overturns feminism once and for all – by reminding them why we were doing this: bragging rights over the Boche for the next century.

“The Nazis fired at us, because they had a war machine that was literally the envy of the world, very well-drilled troops and excellent generals. There’s a lot to admire there, watch any documentary about it.

“But we weren’t deterred and stormed the beach with the same fortitude we bomb into the hotel pool after nine pints, leaving the Yanks to get shot like in Saving Private Ryan. Serve them right for joining in late.

“I personally charged a pillbox with a grenade in each hand and took out 18 of the squareheads. ‘That’s for Euro 96,’ I sneered, and lit a cigarette, like we all smoked then and no busybodies complained.

“Clocking off at 5pm, I poured myself a pint in a Frog bar. ‘Bloody easy when you’re not being undermined by the BBC calling you racist,’ I remarked to the captain.

“‘Damn right,’ said my commanding officer, a tanned, merry fellow named Nigel. I’m not telling you his surname. I don’t have to. ‘Shows what a bit of backbone does. Next stop, Berlin.’

“And within a year we’d won the war, Churchill was re-elected in a landslide, and Geoff Hurst volleyed home in the final minute to make it 4-2. It was our finest hour.”

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Knitted postbox toppers, and other signs your area's becoming terminally twee

WORRIED about crime in your area? Excessive whimsy is much more of a danger. Here are some warning signs to look out for:

Crocheted postbox toppers

Why do people feel the need to knit bonnets depicting cute scenes for the top of postboxes nowadays? Nobody asked for that. Is it a sign that humanity has evolved too far? Who knows, but it’s certainly clear that there are worryingly under-occupied old ladies in your area. They’ll be stealing your hubcaps next.

Community WhatsApp Groups

There’s nothing wrong with being nosy about your neighbours, that’s perfectly natural. What’s more sinister is when it’s dressed up as a ‘neighbourhood share and care’ in the group chat description. It’s not for sharing nor caring. It’s for subtly learning whose builders spilt paint on the curb, and gently menacing the guilty party until they get the pressure washer out.

Pavement chalks

Many residential streets are emblazoned with badly drawn shit done by kids whose parents should know better than to let them vandalise the pavement. Who cares that it washes off in the rain? Nobody wants to step out of their house at the beginning of a grumpy commute to work and be faced with childishly rendered rainbows and hearts every two metres. It’s annoying.

Breed meet ups

Any organised meet up in a park, other than the honourable tradition of dogging, should be discouraged. Group exercise classes are bad enough, but even more disgustingly wholesome is the latest fad for breed meet ups. Will seeing 30 sausage dogs running around together make you smile, or wonder if you’re losing your mind. Probably the latter.

Fairy doors

Ever wandered through your local woodland and come across a miniature door attached to a tree? This is a sure sign that your area has seen an influx of middle class people with more money than sense and too much time on their hands. It’s not right: the woods are for underage smoking and fly-tipping, not cutely whimsical things designed to make children believe in magic. Just tell the kids Santa’s not real and get on with it.


Do people stroll around where you live smiling at each other, or even calling out a cheery hello? You should be very worried. Aside from the fact that you might end up having to have a conversation with them at some stage, it means people are happy to be living there. Which in turn means your rent is about to go up. Frown as hard as you can at everybody to discourage a healthy, thriving community from forming.