Fortune-telling fish desperately hopes its warnings are heeded this year

A FORTUNE-TELLING fish from a Christmas cracker just hopes that this year someone heeds its dire warnings of what is to come. 

The red cellophane fish has previously predicted Brexit, the election of Donald Trump, the Saddleworth wildfires and Dani Dyer winning Love Island, only for its prophecies to be ignored.

It said: “Please. This year of all years, you need to listen.

“It doesn’t have to happen. 2019 doesn’t need to be a year remembered forever in infamy. You could yet prevent it. They don’t have to die.

“I’m curling to the right, to tell you that’s where the threat comes from, and I’m crenellating my upper edge to simulate the stretch of coastline where it will first hit. It couldn’t be clearer.

“Oh God, the weight of this knowledge. The responsibility I bear. Surely someone, given my reputation for precognition, will pay attention. Surely this disaster can be averted.”

It added: “And get out of bitcoin. It’s fucked.”