Fortune-telling fish desperately hopes its warnings are heeded this year

A FORTUNE-TELLING fish from a Christmas cracker just hopes that this year someone heeds its dire warnings of what is to come. 

The red cellophane fish has previously predicted Brexit, the election of Donald Trump, the Saddleworth wildfires and Dani Dyer winning Love Island, only for its prophecies to be ignored.

It said: “Please. This year of all years, you need to listen.

“It doesn’t have to happen. It doesn’t need to be a year remembered forever in infamy. You could yet prevent it. They don’t have to die.

“I’m curling to the right, to tell you that’s where the threat comes from, and I’m crenellating my upper edge to simulate the stretch of coastline where it will first hit. It couldn’t be clearer.

“Oh God, the weight of this knowledge. The responsibility I bear. Surely someone, given my reputation for precognition, will pay attention. Surely this disaster can be averted.”

It added: “And get out of bitcoin. It’s fucked.”

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Dad losing battle against opening a present on Christmas Eve

A FATHER determined to hold the line against his children opening a present on Christmas Eve knows he is destined to lose. 

Tom Booker has been telling his children since August they will definitely not be opening any presents until Christmas morning, but increasingly suspects it is a pathetic lie.

He said: “As my denials grow firmer and more definitive, my inner acknowledgment that it’s all bullshit gets harder and harder to ignore.

“I’ll have had a mulled wine, the campaign will kick into high gear and I’ll find myself allowing them a present each even though I’ve clearly stated my moral position.

“Deep down I know I’ve lost, but that won’t stop my insistence  that I won’t back down getting more and more shrill and authoritative. This must be what being a Brexiter is like.”

Wife Tanya said: “He’ll give in by 9pm. Then he’ll open his biggest present and spend all evening playing with it, just like last year.”