Harry targeted by Taleban hen parties

PRINCE Harry will be a target for crazy Taleban good-time girls, experts have warned.

As the Prince and his toy helicopter were deployed to Afghanistan, hen parties across the war-torn country were planning an all-out assault on his underpants.

Defence analyst Julian Cook said: “They will swarm around him, batting their eyelids as quickly as possible in the hope he will invite them back to his luxury snooker table.

“At that point literally anything can happen. And will. Because when Prince Harry is involved everything is awesome.”

Cook added: “Taleban hen parties specialise in the use of IEDs which they use to kill anyone in the room who is not buck-naked.

“They are also fanatical in their belief that there’s no such thing as too much fun.”

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Defence rejected claims that the Prince will place other soldiers at greater risk of being wanked in a jacuzzi.

A spokesman said: “Every member of the British armed forces understands fully the nature of being swept up in an all-Afghan girls’ night out.”

The Prince and his friends are expected to fly low over villages in Helmand province checking out the talent and attempting to fill the local girls’ glasses with Veuve Clicquot from a height of just 250ft while travelling at 165 miles per hour

His entourage for the four-month tour includes Binky, Bonky, Spinky, Spanky and Air Commodore Sir Denys Finch-Hatton who is in charge of the johnny bags.



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Environment accused of benefit fraud

THE environment has been accused of wasting taxpayer’s money on virtually useless plants and animals.

Despite receiving billions annually in government support, the environment has continued to forego economic growth in favour of sustaining various living organisms, most of which do not have jobs or pay tax.

Economist Denys Finch-Hatton said: “The biosphere regularly squanders millions of pounds on projects such as rats, pigeons and grey squirrels which do nothing to propel growth and in fact just shit everywhere.

“This all happens under the guise of sustaining humanity.

“The environment also displays a heavy bias towards so-called green issues, and a tedious insistence on the reality of global warming, which is hardly conducive to getting us out of a double-dip recession.

“We’re humans, not those hippy cat things in Avatar, and we need to see a return on our investment.

“There’s a saying that money doesn’t grow on trees but why not? I’m sure nature could give us a money tree if it wasn’t following its own leafy liberal agenda.

“The only worthwhile things the natural world has given us in the last fifteen years has been that dog that won Britain’s Got Talent, and LOLcats, and even then the animals were partially domesticated.”