How to survive a nuclear war according to made-up films

BRITONS are well-prepared to survive a nuclear strike by Russia thanks to watching a vast number of dubious post-apocalyptic films. Here’s what we’ve learned.

Planet of the Apes

The biggest threat in the event of nuclear war is monkeys. Prepare to be battering monkeys to death night and day if you don’t want to be enslaved. Alternatively, stock up on bananas and buy your freedom that way. Helena Bonham Carter the chimp seemed quite friendly, and there won’t be many human females left. Just something worth bearing in mind.

The Road

Full of excellent practical advice. Getting a gun is a no-brainer, and steal a shopping trolley now to avoid the post-apocalyptic rush. Eating humans is pretty gross (the makers left out the bit with the baby for some reason) but it shouldn’t be a problem with a decent collection of Schwartz herbs and spices.

Mad Max 

It’s not really mentioned, but there’s been a nuclear war in the Mad Max universe. The main lesson here is that you’ll need a good car. Upgrade your existing vehicle with a nitro-booster, armour plating, extra fuel tanks and a big bendy pole on top for boarding trucks. It’ll look silly if you drive an old Fiat Panda, but frankly it won’t be much worse than modifications by the average boy racer.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 

When you see a blinding flash, get in the fridge immediately. Hey presto – you’re completely safe in a snack-rich environment. However some people have claimed this scene isn’t realistic. And we suppose the Ark of the Covenant doesn’t really make beams of fire come out of your eyeballs and shoot ghost skeletons at your enemies? Learn some history, idiots.


So-called ‘realistic’ nuclear war dramas like Threads irresponsibly fail to mention the risks of people turning into giant, malevolent, mutated blobs with telekinetic powers. Not an awful lot you can do here except run off and hope the universe doesn’t get sucked inside out, or whatever the f**k was going on.

The Terminator 

Yes, there’s nuclear armageddon followed by cyborgs hunting down the survivors. But someone always comes back from the future and stops it happening. So don’t worry about nuclear war with Russia, chill out and wait for your future friend to arrive. Good news for the ladies – he might be like Kyle Reese, who’s the perfect boyfriend: good-looking, macho without being a wanker about it, good at DIY and definitely into having kids. 

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Hardcore nanny spanking, and other types of porn enjoyed by Tory MPs

ARE you a Tory MP who loves porn so much you watch it in the House of Commons? You’ll enjoy these particular genres…

Margaret Thatcher stepmom porn

Stepmom porn is already wildly popular, so imagine if the MILF hottie was the Iron Lady herself. Tory MPs love scenarios like her walking in on them masturbating and deciding to join in – all while discussing monetarist economic policy. And what could be sexier than than watching it next to the despatch box where Maggie announced the sinking of the Belgrano? 

Hardcore nanny spanking

Many Conservatives are posh enough to have had a nanny as a child – a woman who ruled with an iron rod and shaped their nascent sexuality, leaving them with a desire for another spanking for being naughty. It’s certainly the best explanation for Rees-Mogg’s constant twattish behaviour. Commonly known as NILF porn by Tory MPs.

Labour MP cock trampling

Despite braying arrogantly at them from the other side of the Commons, Tory MPs secretly crave being humiliated by a Labour MP, usually female, although Ed Miliband in a leather thong has its fans. And while Tory MPs may never get their testicles crushed by Yvette Cooper in a basque, Boris Johnson’s remarkable incompetence may lead to deeply sexually satisfying humiliation at the next election. 


Nothing gets a Tory off like watching unelected European bureaucrats being remorselessly rogered by the great thrusting will of the British people. These videos don’t even have to feature anyone having sex, just watching Theresa May signing the letter triggering Article 50 will have them ejaculating impressively right across the chamber.

Clown porn

Conservative MPs spend their days watching a comical figure with silly hair attempting to shag anything that moves. As a result many have developed a fetish for it and like to watch clown sex on their phones – even if there’s a real-life clown standing right in front of them and 600 other MPs.