BRITONS are well-prepared to survive a nuclear strike by Russia thanks to watching a vast number of dubious post-apocalyptic films. Here’s what we’ve learned.
Planet of the Apes
The biggest threat in the event of nuclear war is monkeys. Prepare to be battering monkeys to death night and day if you don’t want to be enslaved. Alternatively, stock up on bananas and buy your freedom that way. Helena Bonham Carter the chimp seemed quite friendly, and there won’t be many human females left. Just something worth bearing in mind.
The Road
Full of excellent practical advice. Getting a gun is a no-brainer, and steal a shopping trolley now to avoid the post-apocalyptic rush. Eating humans is pretty gross (the makers left out the bit with the baby for some reason) but it shouldn’t be a problem with a decent collection of Schwartz herbs and spices.
Mad Max
It’s not really mentioned, but there’s been a nuclear war in the Mad Max universe. The main lesson here is that you’ll need a good car. Upgrade your existing vehicle with a nitro-booster, armour plating, extra fuel tanks and a big bendy pole on top for boarding trucks. It’ll look silly if you drive an old Fiat Panda, but frankly it won’t be much worse than modifications by the average boy racer.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
When you see a blinding flash, get in the fridge immediately. Hey presto – you’re completely safe in a snack-rich environment. However some people have claimed this scene isn’t realistic. And we suppose the Ark of the Covenant doesn’t really make beams of fire come out of your eyeballs and shoot ghost skeletons at your enemies? Learn some history, idiots.
Akira
So-called ‘realistic’ nuclear war dramas like Threads irresponsibly fail to mention the risks of people turning into giant, malevolent, mutated blobs with telekinetic powers. Not an awful lot you can do here except run off and hope the universe doesn’t get sucked inside out, or whatever the f**k was going on.
The Terminator
Yes, there’s nuclear armageddon followed by cyborgs hunting down the survivors. But someone always comes back from the future and stops it happening. So don’t worry about nuclear war with Russia, chill out and wait for your future friend to arrive. Good news for the ladies – he might be like Kyle Reese, who’s the perfect boyfriend: good-looking, macho without being a wanker about it, good at DIY and definitely into having kids.
