THERESA May has assured Britain that she is absolutely, definitely not a pacifist.
As Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn called for a new approach to military intervention, the prime minister chuckled at the idea of her not wanting to attack people, preferably with her teeth.
She said: “Yes, I’m a biter. But I also enjoy hitting people very hard in the face with a cricket bat or a golf club.
“Obviously I like the blood, but what I really love is the noises they make when I’m hurting them.”
The prime minister added: “It’s really good that I now have an army all to myself. I want to use it to hurt people and I don’t really care who.
“Pacifist. Fuck off.”