It's War!!! Dutch Set Fire To Cutty Sark

THE Dutch last night claimed responsibility for setting fire to the Scottish-built Cutty Sark and warned that no Scots ships were safe during the war with Holland. 

Colonel Dik Van Possellink, of the elite 1st Edamers Airborne Division, said his men had torched the historic clipper ship to ensure it played no part in any Scots invasion force.

He said both the Discovery in Dundee and the Britannia at Leith would face similar attacks, and he warned elderly American tourists to stay clear of the Waverley and the Sir Walter Scott this summer saying both were “legitimate military targets”.

Michael J. Bilge, Commander RN Rtd. (HMS Ewing 1965-68), said the loss of the Cutty Sark was a major blow to Scottish preparations for the invasion of the Netherlands.

He said: “Without the Cutty Sark the Scottish Navy really is just the Discovery and Britannia, neither of which have been used in amphibious assaults before.

“If the Scots cannot muster an invasion fleet soon I fear the Dutch coast will be impregnable to invasion; already most of it is protected by a line of enormous dykes.”

First Minister, and commander in chief of the Scottish forces, Alex Salmond was contemptuous of this latest example of the Dutch’s flagrant disregard for the rules of war.

He said: “The Cutty Sark posed no immediate threat to the Dutch Navy, indeed it posed no immediate threat to any navy as it had a bloody great hole in the bottom.

“This is an act of wanton vandalism by a nation of whose main knowledge of the techniques of modern warfare is limited to being overrun and surrendering.”

Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate in Edinburgh, said the successful assault on the Cutty Sark proved that his nation’s relaxed view of homosexuality in the army was not incompatible with successful sneak assaults.

He said: “This just shows that men who love men and men who love women can together form an effective fighting force. As we say in Holland, inside every Dutch homosexual there is a soldier, or there has been, and vice versa.”

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Cameron To Spend Two Weeks As A Wheelie Bin

TORY leader David Cameron is to spend two weeks living as a wheelie bin in East London in a bid to highlight the current crisis in British refuse collection.

Mr Cameron said he would act as a standard-sized bin for an average family of two adults and two children living in a modest terrace house in Hackney.

“I want them to just treat me like any normal bin, not like the leader of a major political party, and just stuff me full of their crap,” he said.

Nina Narne, the Hackney resident whose bin Mr Cameron would be, said she was looking forward to using the opposition leader as a rubbish receptacle.

She said: “It’s a new type of politics, it’s clean and fresh, and it shows David Cameron is a man who cares about the little people. I mean, when did you last see Gordon Brown offer to eat someone’s banana skin?”

The Tory leader’s wheelie bin stint follows recent moves by most councils in Britain to cease all bin collections and force householders to eat all their own rubbish.

Mr Cameron said he, or his butler, already consumed most of his own family’s refuse but he doubted whether it was possible to digest everything, particularly large quantities of disused truffle oil.

The wheelie bin exercise follows a busy period for Mr Cameron during which he has spent a week dressed as a football mascot, four days living on the Moon, three days working as a cod, a weekend as a lap dancer, and 40 seconds leading the Tory party.

After he has finished his wheelie bin experiment he plans to spend the rest of the year living as a smug middle-class twat in Notting Hill.