ALEX Salmond is to cancel plans for an Edinburgh tram system and use the money to build a 400 mile bridge from Scotland to Amsterdam.
The First Minister said he wants construction to start as soon as possible on the gigantic engineering project, adding: "I expect to be driving my tank down the Prins-Hendrikkade on Christmas Day."
The bridge will start in Portobello and head directly out to sea for 100 miles before taking a sharp right and continuing south east until it reaches the Enormous Dykes of Alkmaar.
In order to prevent detection as it nears the coast, Salmond said the bridge would be painted the same colour as the sky and sea, "thus rendering it completely invisible to the Dutch coastguard".
The First Minster added: "The Dutch will be completely oblivious, until one day they will hear an almighty thud as the last piece of bridge is dropped into place and a column of dark blue tanks appears as if from thin air.
"They will panic and run about like chickens as we liberate millions of innocent tulips and set fire to their dirty sex books."
Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate, said: "We too are planning a huge, invisible engineering project, the likes of which the world has never seen and never will see, unless they happen to bump into it while carrying a tray of paint."