MI5 Chief Incredibly Bald

A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.

Career spy Jonathan Evans spoke to reporters at the security service's London HQ, though photographers were banned as the camera flashes would have bounced off the top of his head and temporarily blinded everyone in the room.

The cloak of secrecy surrounding the hairyness of the MI5 chief has been lifted in recent years, though Mr Evans is understood to be the baldest man ever to hold the top job.

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said: "While it's refreshing that the head of MI5 is finally able to speak publicly, I am concered that our internal security is in the hands of someone so devastatingly bald.

"Baldness is a state of mind. We live in a post-bald era that requires post-bald thinking."

He added: "If Mr Evans wants to stage further press conferences may I suggest he wears a fez?"

Evans gave key insights into current MI5 stragegy including the revelation that killing lots of Muslims might make them want to kill us.

He also said the global recession would increase the threat of terror because it sounds as if it sort of makes sense.

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Israel To Open Humanitarian Corridor And Then Blow It Up

ISRAEL has agreed to open a corridor into Gaza for essential humanitarian supplies and then fire hundreds of missiles at it.

As the international community accused the Israelis of using a sledgehammer to crack a school, the Tel Aviv government pledged to increase both the level of aid to Palestinian civilians and attacks upon it.

A spokesman said: "We're happy to provide humanitarian supplies as long as you understand that anything going in or out of Gaza is a legitimate target. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about that."

The Israeli airforce last night issued a map showing the route the aid convoys will take and the exact points where each truck will be blown to smithereens.

Meanwhile Hamas has pledged to commandeer any humanitarian supplies that make it through, fill them with semtex and fire them at settlements in southern Israel.

A Hamas spokesman said: "For every bag of rice you send us without blowing it up, we will send back thousands of pieces of exploding rice. How's about that?"

Meanwhile UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon said that while Hamas is undoubtedly a collection of grade-A psychopaths, firing home-made rockets is not quite the same thing as having a personalised bomb for every Palestinian man, woman and child.