Estate agents now showing houses to other estate agents

BRITAIN’S estate agents are showing houses to each other to combat loneliness and prevent their traditional skills from dying out.

With the property market moribund, there is mounting concern that the ancient art of describing the different rooms inside a property while walking around it could become extinct.

Estate agent Tom Logan said: “This morning, I showed Bill McKay of Reeds Rains a charming property that’s undergone extensive renovation which although it’s at the upper end of his budget he won’t regret looking at. 

“He agreed the renovations are tasteful but wondered what he would do in a large room containing both a cooker and a refrigerator, and I explained it was a kitchen where he could not only store but prepare food.” 

McKay said: “Tom then directed me to a large cupboard under the stairs that not only contained a toilet but had storage room for cloaks and other outdoor garments.

“I admitted this was attractive and useful, but stressed I was a keen sleeper and wondered if any rooms had been put aside for that specific purpose. 

“I was delighted to find there were three, one of which contained a smaller, tiled room ideal for bodily ablutions and the expulsion of human waste. It really was a marvellous morning with someone who spoke my language.” 

Logan said: “I couldn’t agree more. And I’ll be phoning eight times a day until you agree to put in an offer.”

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M&S Staff To Be Sacked By Dervla Kirwan

MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.

Managers hope Kirwan's sexy but soothing voice will not only minimise the shock of redundancy but ensure the ex-workers continue to spend what little money they have in the company's stores.

Head office staff will be sacked in person by Kirwan, while shop floor workers will be dismissed seductively via webcam.

Senior staff can choose to be sacked by Kirwan as she pours thick Devonshire double cream over their head and then licks it off while whispering 'you're fired' in their ear.

Or they can watch Kirwan fashion the words 'you're fired' from a healthy dollop of spring onion mash before drizzling it with a red wine gravy and then sucking it off a spoon.

An M&S spokesman said: "It's very important that we retain the brand loyalty of the people we're discarding. Redundancy money is as good as any other money.

"If you've been trudging the cold streets all day looking for a job what you really need is a piping hot chicken and mushroom pie made with succulent free range corn-fed chicken breast, fresh, fragrant chanterelle mushrooms and a moist, buttery short crust pastry."

The spokesman added: "And, of course, when you're unemployed the last thing you need is to be confronted with the soul-destroying horror of an unpeeled carrot."