My heart goes out to these poor Afghans who I don't want living next door

By Roy Hobbs

IMAGINE fleeing your home in terror, not knowing if you’ll see your loved ones again. But also imagine a load of foreigners living next door, speaking funny and cooking smelly food.

This is my dilemma. Afghanistan is a humanitarian crisis, but Britain is full and I don’t want a load of Muslims screaming about Allah day and night when my wife and I are trying to watch Masterchef.

They shouldn’t come here, but that’s only because I’ve got their best interests at heart. Look how much it’s been raining recently. Compared to the nice sunny weather in Afghanistan, they’d get really depressed.

They won’t be able to adapt to English culture either. We like fish and chips and a bit of lighthearted banter over a pint of bitter, but they like eating goats and blowing each other up.

I’ve seen Afghanistan on the news, and it looks a bit backward. If a gang of 20 burly, oversexed Afghan men moved into Patricia and Ken’s house next door they’d probably think the toilet was a dishwasher and someone would try to sleep in the chest freezer, resulting in tragedy.

So I feel we are right to feel sorry for them, but also ruthlessly keep them out with instant deportations back to Afghanistan and by sinking their dinghies with machine gun fire if necessary.

I’m not a racist and actually very tolerant of other cultures. I had a Tandoori mixed grill just the other week. But for God’s sake make these Arab bastards go somewhere else or they’ll be stealing our Jack Russell and turning him into kebabs.

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Running the hoover round before the cleaner arrives, and other pointless female obsessions

WOMEN identify all sorts of essential tasks mere men simply cannot grasp the point of. Here are five prime examples.

Running the hoover round before the cleaner arrives

For women, half the point of paying someone to clean the house is to show off how spotless it is in the first place. A quick zoom round with the vacuum just before they’re due shows how house-proud they are. For men it’s an utterly futile gesture akin to giving the car a thorough health check before taking it in for its MOT.

Changing the bedsheets every week

Women are obsessed with having crisp, clean sheets to snuggle into at bedtime. But why bother, ask men, when the only time you get into bed it’s pitch black and you plan to be comatose within five minutes, so you won’t even be able to tell. A six-monthly trip to the laundrette is surely more than sufficient?

Having completely separate summer and winter wardrobes

Women spend endless hours and shitloads of cash amassing entirely separate, colour-coordinated clothes to match the changing seasons, and would no sooner wear autumnal browns in spring or summer than go out naked. For men it’s simple – shorts in the summer, jeans for winter, and if it’s too cold for just a t-shirt, stick a bloody hoodie or jumper on. Then spaff all the money you’ve saved down the pub.

Rinsing plates before putting them in the dishwasher

To men, this utterly senseless waste of time and water is unfathomable. The dishwasher is a brilliant invention designed to save you having to be arsed washing up, so why do its job for it?. Bugger it if excess food residue eventually blocks the filters – she knows how to remove and clean them anyway.

Getting out of the shower to take a piss

Getting caught short while showering happens to everyone, which is no surprise with all that splashing water around. For women, this means getting out, drying off and attending to nature’s call in a civilised manner before resuming their rigorous cleaning regime. Men? There’s a plughole there, an already running shower to act as a flush, so it’s ready, aim, fire.