THE chancellor delivered a budget update yesterday, and only actual war stopped this being the most apocalyptic event the world has ever known. Why must she resign? 

Donna Sheridan, Uber driver: “Because spring doesn’t begin until the vernal equinox on March 20th. She stood up and lied to the public. Lied right to our f**king faces.”

Norman Steele, parking attendant: “A million young people out of work. Can we get them all together for a cross-Britain game of British Bulldog? It’s always popular at Scouts.”

Nathan Muir, insurance salesman: “Sickeningly weak growth. Downgraded from 1.4 per cent to 1.1 per cent? What is this, my erection?”

Jordan Gardner, picture straightener: “Apparently she’s using the tax take to pay off Tory debts. Idiotic. We should simply stamp the bills ‘not at this address’ when they come through, denying all knowledge.”

Helen Archer, lepidopterist: “A million more pensioners are paying income tax. Where are they going to get it from? They can’t all be on OnlyFans.”