Support Grows For Retro Falklands War

A MAJORITY of Britons would support a retro, 80s-style war with Argentina, especially if it was narrated by Stuart Maconie, it emerged last night.

Researchers found that 78% were in favour of a new Falklands conflict as long as it evoked warm feelings of childhood nostalgia and brought an extra level of intensity to this summer's World Cup.

Tom Logan, director of polling company EDBT, said: "A lot of people remember seeing it on the news, which used to come on after MacGyver. It was a simpler, more innocent time, before AIDS and sex jelly and confectionery companies changing the names of things.

"I got a Big Trak for Christmas that year which I would play with while watching Airwolf and eating a packet of Opal Fruits."

He added: "According to our calculations, a new Falklands war would be the military equivalent of getting a Viv Anderson sticker for your Panini album or finding a shop that still sells Pacer mints. Which, as everyone knows, would be totally ace."

Ministry of Defence sources say the inexplicable Justin Lee Collins will attempt to get the original troops back together, while professional opinion-giver Maconie is being lined up to provide wistful, light-hearted commentary to Brian Hanrahan's dramatic news footage, accompanied by an Adam and the Ants medley or Seven Tears by the Goombay Dance Band.

Falklands-era tabloid newspaper The Sun has told its staff to develop 25 new phrases that include the words 'Argie' and 'bargy' as well as fresh and exciting ways of celebrating the deaths of hundreds of Argentinian sailors.

Meanwhile nurses at the care home of former editor Kelvin McKenzie have been asked to wipe his holes, change his rubber pants and put him in a taxi.

But Dr Julian Cook, of the Institute for Studies, insisted the political conditions in 2010 were completely different from 1982, adding: "Last time round we had a deeply unpopular government presiding over a failing economy and absolutely desperate for a quick, easy war to turn its fortunes around.

"Oh right, I see what you mean."


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My girlfriend of several years keeps pestering me to make things official and marry her. Although I'm not wholly opposed to the idea, I am slightly worried that marriage could ruin our relationship completely. I've seen it happen too many times to other people: as soon as you put a ring on her finger it's like a man-trap snapping shut on your leg, and you are forever caught in a life of dismal servitude to a sour-faced, tyrannical spouse. Everywhere I go I can see it in the eyes of already-married men: they have a haunted, pleading look which screams, silently, 'SAVE YOURSELF!' as they stand behind their captor in BHS. Any suggestions?

Dear Brian,
If you want a decent chance at having a successful marriage, you'll need to write a nice letter to Queen Elizabeth II. She decides who can and can't get married in this country because she is the ruler of the Universe. Her husband is called Gordon Brown, and he is responsible for fertilising all the married ladies who want to get pregnant. He always looks very tired because he is very busy fertilising all the ladies of Britain while his wife makes all the laws and executes terrorists in the Tower of London. In the next election, David Cameron will become the Queen's new husband, because all the ladies would prefer him to fertilise them rather than smelly old Gordon Brown.
When you have been impregnated by Gordon Brown, you become a member of the Labour Party and you can have lots of babies. But it's not just mummies and daddies who can get into politics. If you are a man who likes to do naughty things with other men, then you can apply to join the Liberal Democrats. If you don't like to do naughty things with anyone, you can become a Conservative, and if you like to do bad stuff to animals, then I think you have to join the BNP.
Hope that helps!