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This war in Middle East going to be different

THE current war in the Middle East is not going to be like the Iraq war or the Gulf war or any of those other failed wars, the world believes. 

Previous unsuccessful military actions in the Middle East, none of which caused regime change and created pro-human rights democracies, have been valuable learning experiences which mean it will definitely be a success this time.

Expert Francesca Johnson said: “It’s easy to be cynical. To see footage of airstrikes on Iran and be reminded of previous airstrikes on Syria, Libya, all the rest.

“But wouldn’t it be so much better to reject that negativity and really believe in these airstrikes? After all, they’ve already killed the supreme leader so the next one probably won’t be a dictator just by the law of averages.

“Yes, if you’re a little older you have inconvenient memories of Beirut, of the PLO, of the Six Days War, perhaps even of the Suez Crisis or the terrorist campaign that turned British Palestine to Israel. But hey, that one worked out! They’re good guys now!

“I firmly believe this time Iran will face facts, give up on the whole Islamic Republic thing, go Western and so will all their neighbours. And in gratitude sell us oil at a hefty discount.”

Iranian Mohsen Taghvai said: “It’s feeling pretty samey on the ground, I have to admit, but then my home hasn’t taken a direct hit yet. Maybe that would make me more positive.”

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How to pretend everyone loves your dog as much as you do

YOUR boisterous, irrepressible dog is fun and full of character. Everyone you meet definitely feels the same way, so it’s fine to do the following: 

Let him off the lead

Anyone out in a public place is thrilled to have a random dog leaping up at them and barking wildly. Parents only take their toddlers to the park in the hope of securing such a delightful animal encounter free of charge. If your dog also entertains picnicking strangers by stealing their ham sandwiches, so much the better.

Take him everywhere you go

Cafes aren’t for a relaxed catch-up with friends, which is dull. Brunch needs to be enlivened by you and your dog rocking up at the adjacent table. His incessant barking, lunges at anyone passing and rancid farts will give everyone a subject to converse on. Are those yummy mummies laughing or gagging? Laughing, obviously.

Ignore all hygiene concerns

Current dog ownership involves forgetting everything you knew about the established scientific concept of ‘germs’. Don’t worry if your pet has had a lick at the Victoria sponge you’re serving to your guests. They’ll just laugh at what a mischievous little scamp he is and definitely won’t be thinking, ‘I’m eating shitty dog arse.’

Laugh off misbehaviour as delightful

Your dog isn’t dangerous, he’s an amusingly naughty boy and has no deep-rooted psychological issues a tasty treat won’t address. Anyway, a dog who doesn’t growl and snap is like a football match without goals: boring. He was only playing. That child’s parents should stop overreacting with silly talk about stitches, police, and post-traumatic stress.

Expect friends to look after him

Don’t pay for expensive boarding kennels when you go away. They treat all dogs the same, and your dog is an individual! It will be a wonderful privilege for your friends to dogsit, which means picking up dogshit and their fitted carpet being dug up. If they’ve walked him for less than three hours it’s their fault he ate their sofa.

Put a photo of him on your Christmas cards

Christmas wouldn’t be complete for your extended family without a picture of your terrifying hound on their mantelpiece. Life’s so busy, they haven’t really had a chance to visit since you got him. This will be a lovely festive reminder of the abject fear they’re missing.

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