Trident ‘only effective against Labour party’

TRIDENT is useless apart from making the Labour party look like pacifist weirdoes, one of Britain’s top generals has warned.

Experts increasingly believe the missile system has no value against conventional forces or terrorism but is 100 per cent deadly when directed at Labour’s electoral chances.

General Sir Norman Steele said: “All the Tories need to do is raise the issue then sit back and watch the devastation as Labour tries to be anti-nuclear, pro-nuclear and incredibly patriotic at the same time.

“As Labour starts arguing viciously with itself there’s likely to be an anti-Trident demonstration full of aggressive protesters and dreadful juggling hippies who instantly alienate normal people.

“Meanwhile, some Labour MPs will decide to support Trident because it’s the only way to appeal to moron voters who fantasise about nuking ISIS. They just end up sounding like shifty liars.”

He added: “It’s all a bit unfair really because everyone knows Trident is a huge waste of money. I’m only allowed to say it without being called unpatriotic because I used to shoot people with a tank.”

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Britain almost starting to feel pity for Kelvin McKenzie

BRITAIN is almost at the stage where it could imagine feeling pity instead of visceral loathing for Kelvin McKenzie.

Following the former Sun editor’s latest column in the tabloid, Britain winced slightly and said: “Jesus Christ, that boy’s not well.”

McKenzie attacked Channel 4 News for using a female Muslim reporter in a Hijab to cover the Nice atrocity, even though no-one else cared.

He actually wrote the following sentence: “Was it appropriate for her to be on camera when there had been yet another shocking slaughter by a Muslim?”

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “That’s like stripping naked, covering yourself in dung and running down Oxford Street.

“You think, ‘that’s not nice, people shouldn’t have to see that’, but you also think, ‘poor bastard – how did he end up like that?’.”

Emma Johnson, from Hatfield, added: “Almost pity, but still mainly wanting him to be dragged away by a giant eagle and fed to its massive chicks.”