THE terrorist threat level across the UK has been raised from ‘Spacehopper’ to ‘Underpants’.
Members of the three most important national security committees – Cobra, G-Force and Thundercats – confirmed the threat was now so hot that Britain could turn into massive ball of pungent gas by the end of next week.
‘Underpants’ means everyone in the UK must carry a whistle and be prepared to tell the police what they dreamt about last night, no matter how weird or perverted.
A Home Office spokesman said: “You should go about your daily lives as if nothing is wrong while at the same time being constantly vigilant and terrified.
“If you don’t like the look of someone, or you overhear comments that you disagree with, you should immediately point at your enemy and blow your whistle until police marksmen arrive.”
BRITAIN’S THREAT LEVELS:
All is well. Unlock your doors and lend your car to a neighbour. Sing.
Unsettling. What was that noise? Where were you born? Share my values!
Terribly frightening. Death has your business card. Trust no-one and carry a bucket at all times.
Intensely dangerous. You and everyone you know is now a terrorist. Go home, build a fort made from sofa cushions and watch a David Attenborough documentary about fish.