We're Inside Your iPod, Confirms MI5

BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night. 

In an exclusive interview with the youth station the agents said MI5 was "kicking" and that the security services wanted to send "big shout out to their bruvvahs in CIA, innit".

Asked if it was true that the security services had helped the government fabricate the reasons for invading Iraq in 2003 the agents said: "whatever". 

However, they did confirm that the Iraq war dossier was copied off the internet because they were 'heavily skunked' and physically incapable of writing one of their own.

Agent Bill Mckay added: "Have you ever been to an art gallery and felt like the eyes in the portraits are following you? That's because they are."

He also confirmed that all television sets are now like those used in Noel's House Party, enabling the security services to see into every British living room. "Edmonds is absolutely central to our strategy," he added.

Agent Nikki Hollis confirmed the security services are no longer involved in Prince Philip's plans for a violent military crackdown.

She said: "He's mellowed with age and in any case the British people are so comprehensively indifferent that it would be a complete waste of time."

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'I'm Jesus-Flavoured' Says Blair

TONY Blair has revealed he still has weekly conversations with Jesus and talks about everything from the Middle East peace process to the fortunes of the England football team.

But the former prime minister said he played down his relationship with Jesus while in office fearing he would be labeled 'a nutter' for believing a man was born of a virgin, turned water into wine and walked on the sea, before being killed and then coming back to life.

Mr Blair said: "I remember the first time Jesus and I chatted. I was having a cup of tea, listening to some early REM and reading a book about Kevin Keegan.

"I looked up and there was Jesus, sitting across from me, just gazing and smiling at me with his head resting in his hands.

"He said to me, 'what's up Tony?' and I said, 'Jesus, did you really raise people from the dead?'

"He said that wasn't the half of it and that they'd left out loads of even more amazing stuff – I'm talking dragon fights, photon torpedoes and turning rubber into cheese – because no-one would have believed it.

"He then told me that I was special and that I would lead something called the 'Labour Party'.

"He said that hundreds of creepy little guys just out of university would see me as their personal saviour and that it would make me feel really good."

The former PM added: "He then went on to tell me that not only was it OK to sell seats in the House of Lords, but that I should lie about it too.

"And he even gave me a ball-park figure for the number of innocent people who could be blown to bits in Iraq before he would become concerned."

Blair's comments come just days before Gordon Brown is expected to announce an overhaul of the government's belief in miracles.