We’re Inside Your iPod, Confirms MI5

BRITAIN'S security services have implanted a chip in every iPod and now have detailed records of everyone's taste in music, MI5 agents told Radio 1 last night. 

Without Edmonds there is anarchy

In an exclusive interview with the youth station the agents said MI5 was "kicking" and that the security services wanted to send "big shout out to their bruvvahs in CIA, innit".

Asked if it was true that the security services had helped the government fabricate the reasons for invading Iraq in 2003 the agents said: "whatever". 

However, they did confirm that the Iraq war dossier was copied off the internet because they were 'heavily skunked' and physically incapable of writing one of their own.

Agent Bill Mckay added: "Have you ever been to an art gallery and felt like the eyes in the portraits are following you? That's because they are."

He also confirmed that all television sets are now like those used in Noel's House Party, enabling the security services to see into every British living room. "Edmonds is absolutely central to our strategy," he added.

Agent Nikki Hollis confirmed the security services are no longer involved in Prince Philip's plans for a violent military crackdown.

She said: "He's mellowed with age and in any case the British people are so comprehensively indifferent that it would be a complete waste of time."