World War III can’t decide where to start

THE coming world war which will devastate 90 per cent of the planet can’t settle on where to begin.

Finally

Long overdue

World War III has apologised to the world’s population for its indecision, explaining that it wants to get it right because you only get to do this once.

The impending global conflict said: “Syria, Afghanistan, the whole Ukraine thing – you don’t need to tell me it’s dragged on far too long.

“But just when I’ve finally picked the flashpoint some new location comes up. It’s like going to Subway, there’s just too much choice.

“Wherever it starts, you’ll be sniping at your half-starved former neighbours from the bombed-out ruin of your home within six months, and that’s a promise.”

The war’s assistants have rejected the Middle East as “too obvious” and confirmed that a global thermonuclear conflict was abandoned for being “depressing and hopelessly retro”.

Marketing consultant Nikki Hollis said: “World War III is so intimidated by the success of World War II – great villain, exotic locations, still a classic – that it’s afraid to do anything.

“We came up with a whole new angle based on Mexican drug wars spreading into the US that tested really well with focus groups, but that suffered death by a thousand meetings.

“I honestly don’t know if it’ll ever happen. Which is a real shame.”