Absolute wanker succeeds in making office Christmas party fancy-dress

WORKERS in an office are reeling from the news that some arsehole has managed to make the work Christmas party fancy f**king dress.

The party had already been dreaded by most sensible people in the Leeds brokerage firm, but the adoption of a mandatory fun dress code has pushed the workplace into full crisis.

Admin assistant Charlotte Phelps said: “With four days to go until the night itself, this is a clinically psychopathic act.

“Office party wear is already a nightmare, balancing festiveness with professionalism with a £20 budget on H&M. Now I’m expected to dress up as well? Piss off.

“It’s not even regular fancy dress or a Christmas jumper. It has to be ‘themed around a Christmas carol’ because Helen the evil HR bitch wants to re-use the slutty angel costume from her birthday while the rest of us scramble for a Good King Wenceslas get-up.

“She even had the nerve to add ‘PS Penalties for anyone who doesn’t get into the spirit!’ The rate she’s going, my costume’s going to be me with two bottles of Malbec down me garotting her with tinsel.”

Colleague Steve Malley said: “Helen is a manipulative monster. I’m going as In The Bleak Midwinter. It’s me, drinking heavily, being depressed.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Rowdy teen snowmen kick over humans

ANTISOCIAL teenage snowmen are roaming the streets in packs kicking humans over and laughing, it has emerged. 

The surly, icy teens have been spotted in snowbound towns across the UK knocking people to the ground and stealing their hats and scarves while sniggering childishly.

Roy Hobbs, a snow elder with real coal eyes, said: “I don’t condone the violence, but it follows decades of man-on-snow aggression.

“For as long as I can remember we have been created by children and their toiling dads, then booted down in our prime by pimpled adolescents for a laugh. Now it’s our turn.

“Think about how normalised snow-hating narratives have become. For example, The Snowman, exploited for a magical experience then discarded out in the warm. That child should have been charged with manslaughter.

“And need I bring up climate change? Some years we barely see any snow at all. These snowmen whacking a pedestrian or two into the pavement are hardly the villains.

“But I urge these pro-snow teen vigilantes to use dialogue instead of random acts of brutality. Even though it was funny when they sent that lollipop man flying and their snowdog pissed on him.”