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All homeworkers naked

ALL homeworkers are completing their allotted tasks and attending meetings entirely naked, they have confirmed. 

Across the country, anyone working from home is typing with their laptop mere inches from their exposed, perspiring genitalia and will not mention it if you do not ask.

Jordan Gardner said: “In a heatwave you should open windows at night and keep curtains closed by day. And with all the curtains closed only a fool’s wearing underpants.

“If you’re in an office? You’ve got air-con as reward for your sweaty frottering commute. I don’t have that luxury. I’m forced to use more primal methods.

“No, I will not be turning my camera on for the meeting. I think we both know why, and I urge you not to press the issue. It wouldn’t just be the background that needed blurring.

“I’m clocking in, I’m doing my job, there will be no complaints about the quality of my work. What does it matter to you I’m doing it as naked and unashamed as Adam and Eve before the serpent? ROIs are ROIs.”

Office manager Joanna Kramer said: “So you mean in the call with Sally this morning, she was nude? I’m not sure how I feel about that. She’s got massive tits.”

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How not to notice a camper van, with Scotland's Nicola Sturgeon

HELLO, I’m former first minister and future Through The Keyhole host Nicola Sturgeon, who is oblivious to 90 per cent of my lived environment and you can be too. 

The trick is to be relentlessly incurious about almost every aspect of your life. For example, here I am at the home of my 95-year-old mother-in-law. A vehicle is in the driveway, a large white one. Perhaps she’s got some men in doing a bit of work! That’s most likely.

And when it’s still there, month after month, year after year? Then simply assume her drive is a campsite with a long-term resident. Who wouldn’t want to stay in Scotland, after all? So lovely with the lochs.

Likewise, when you’re at home taking a phone call and need a pen to jot down a few details? And the pen you find seems a little heavier and more expensively-tooled than an ordinary Biro? I’m focused on what I’m writing, thank you very much!

Yes, when you’re distracted with matters of state like I was from 2016 to 2022, minor matters like a selection of ever-changing limited-edition fountain pens with 14 carat gold inlay blur into the background, with the handy side-effect of keeping you innocent.

Who has time to notice a Jura fully automatic bean-to-cup coffee machine when you’re scanning the headlines before heading off to Holyrood? Am I right, ladies? Or two years later when it’s replaced by the £2,595 Jura Z8.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, they say, and what are a pair of £2,618 Lalique salt and pepper grinders if not small stuff? All I was doing was seasoning my fish supper!

So be more Sturgeon and you too won’t even perceive sterling silver Kelpie beakers, (£1,495), Fortnum’s musical Santa’s Sleigh advent calendars (£165), a Husqvarna lawnmower (£3,070) or a pair of Waterford crystal Aran bowls (£1,025).

And if you do, just believe his story that he ‘got a bargain on eBay’ like wives throughout the country do. Men! Always some silly thing.

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