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Anyone who viewed your LinkedIn profile did so for wanking purposes

LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.

Treating the search bar as they would PornHub, hundreds of highly skilled and upwardly mobile professionals are checking out your employment history and certification in agile working before slipping their hands down their trousers.

LinkedIn user Martin Bishop said: “Nothing makes me milk the eel faster than formal headshots of nubile beauties in open-neck blouses against plain white backgrounds.

“And that’s before the teases boast about their participation in synergistic alignment forums, or how insightful they find a post comparing petunias and leadership.

“The exclamations! The enthusiasm! If they feel that way about B2B revenue generation, imagine how excited they’d be seeing a penis! Pivot tables? The dirty bitch.”

CEO Susan Traherne agreed: “It’s their prostrate desperation to please that gets me off. Obvious lies about understanding why a workstream-first approach improves B2B project success after volunteering at a homeless shelter.

“As blatantly invented as any fairytale beginning ‘Dear Penthouse Forum’, but they’ve degraded themselves for my pleasure and I’m into that. Would invite for interview.”

LinkedIn user Sophie Rodriguez said: “All these bosses make me feel so desirable. Go on, Daddy, endorse my achievements.”

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No Doubt, and other bands who were too busy shagging each other to make decent music

WORK on chord progressions, lay down a backing track, or shag on the label’s tab? If these bandmates had spent less time banging they could have written more banging tunes:

No Doubt

The relationship between Gwen Stefani and bassist Tony Kanal ultimately ended in heartbreak but not before the tragedy of their ska-punk albums. Even their break-up inspired Stefani to pen Don’t Speak, a radical departure from everything they’d done before in that it was still shit but horribly successful.

Plastic Ono Band

After redefining popular music, John Lennon stopped writing good songs as abruptly as Huw Edwards stopped being a national treasure. Not an intentional artistic move towards stark emotional honesty, he was just getting his end away with wife and collaborator Yoko Ono. So why not scream down the microphone between orgasms instead of singing?

Sonic Youth

Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore married a few years after founding the noise rock pioneers, and discovered dissonant guitar tones by plugging in their instruments, lying them on a bed, and then screwing on top of them.The sounds created as their writhing limbs randomly hit guitar strings were largely unlistenable, but filled gaps on albums.

Fugees

Their music was a collage of samples and steals, and Wyclef Jean and Lauren Hills’s on-off relationship was concurrent with Wyclef’s marriage. All that sneaking around and arguing meant that they didn’t have the headspace to actually compose so they’re largely remembered for saying ‘one time’ and ‘two times’ over a cover of a Roberta Flack record.

Arcade Fire

Win Butler and Regine Chassagne got hitched just as their band was about to make it big. Subsequent parenthood explains why their lyrics were mostly ‘aah-ahh-ahh-aah’; it was all the sleep-deprived bastards were hearing. The music? All frantic strings, pounding drums, four to the floor rhythms, building to a climax. We get it, you f**k.

Paramore

Hayley Williams became romantically involved with new guitarist Taylor York, and ever since they’ve been trapped in the wholly uninteresting genre of adolescent emo-pop. Their upbeat numbers have the sonic appeal of a teenager’s bedroom door slamming, while their quieter moments are abominations worthy of Coldplay B-sides. Sex is bad, kids.

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