Are you accidentally being productive at work?

HAVE you accidentally accomplished something this week? Here are six ways to take the edge off it: 

Give constructive feedback

Feedback is unwanted criticism the recipient has to thank you for, which is immense fun. Spend hours crafting an email mixing feigned concern and savage insults, then enjoy a coffee while your victim crumples to nothing. For the greater good.

Have a meeting

Announce that whatever it is ‘isn’t really working by email’ and set up a meeting before anyone has a chance to fight back. Call it a check-in or sync chat so nobody’s quite sure what’s happening, then achieve nothing in a private room with biscuits.

Ask a strategy question

Wait until a big meeting with an idiot name like ‘All Hands’ or ‘Town Hall’ is wrapping up, then ask the CEO a strategy question. Makes you seem intelligent, insightful and focused on the big picture, so you’ll get promoted to waste even more time in future.

Be concerned

Being concerned is great because it takes up loads of time without accomplishing a single f**king thing. Make it nebulous, like ‘I’m concerned we’re institutionally inefficient,’ then meet stakeholders, meaning everyone in the company, and ask incisive questions like ‘How can we be better?’

Request a different format

Been sent something for feedback? Suggest they replacing the pie chart with a line graph and port it all into Keynote, then sit back and smile sweetly while others sweat blood on bollocks that doesn’t matter.

Set up an interactive session

Set up a whole-day session in an off-site venue somewhere difficult to find. Coax attendees into reaching the conclusion you prefer by giving them whiteboards and marker pens and forcing them to brainstorm in groups. Ask a volunteer from each group to awkwardly summarise their conclusions, which are all the same. Take full credit.

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Passengers facing eight-hour queues for airport pubs

TRAVELLERS arriving at airports are facing queues of up to eight hours to get served at airport pubs, they have complained. 

A perfect storm of half-term holidays, Jubilee celebrations and staff shortages have resulted in passengers queuing overnight to get a pint at 6am.

Bill McKay, at Birmingham Airport, said: “Check-in went smoothly enough so I thought the news was exaggerating. Then I saw the line of people waiting for Wetherspoons and my heart dropped.

“I’ve been planning this pint since mid-2020, through two lockdowns, so nothing was going to stop me getting it. But it took six hours before I got my much-needed Stella.

“Some people had ordered eight at once and were so paralytic they were sleeping on luggage racks. Children were crying, flights were being cancelled and there were no staff anywhere to threaten to punch.

“We still got our plane because I insisted on turning up four days earlier. Otherwise I might be arriving in Menorca stone cold bloody sober.”

EasyJet passenger Mary Fisher said: “My holiday’s been completely ruined by rip-off prices, shambolic organisation, and terrible service. Which always happens, but usually I’m at least drunk.”