Boss or toddler? A quiz

YOUR boss, or your toddler? Screaming for grapes or for quick wins on the board before the AGM? Find out which is which: 

You need to convince them of something straightforward that’s in their own best interest. Do they:

A) Furiously refuse to consider it until you’re screaming with internal frustration, give them the spoon, and coax them into thinking it was their idea all along
B) Put forward nonsensical counter-arguments until you’re screaming with internal frustration, write them a Powerpoint, and coax them into thinking it was their idea all along

Do they have a bizarre yet unwavering faith in made-up bollocks?

A) Yes, unicorns, the tooth fairy and a multicoloured toy rabbit called Jasmine
B) Yes, the multicoloured pie charts in the five-year strategic plan

You get them something they really wanted. Do they:

A) Scream ’Don’t want it!’, go red and furious, make you wonder if they need medication or a shit, and it turns out to be a shit
B) Scream ’It’s not how I wanted it!’, go red and furious, make you wonder if they need medication or a shit, and demand you email a new version by 6pm

Do they talk obsessively about something that is utter crap?

A) Yes, if I hear about all the different things Ben 10 can turn into again I will die
B) Yes, if I hear about ‘bringing your whole self to work’ again I will die, especially as I can see into your office and know your authentic self picks her nose

Do they force you to do things they could quite clearly do themselves?

A) Yes: carrying them down the road, plus the scooter, and your bag and an infant sibling
B) Yes: carrying them in executive board meetings when their scheme’s gone tits up, plus doing the budget, all presented as a ‘development opportunity’

Do they have a ridiculous, juvenile rivalry with someone close to them?

A) You have to physically weigh out cake otherwise they and their sibling will kill each other
B) You have to time conference presentations with a stopwatch so the head of marketing doesn’t get longer, and if they’re not cced into emails they throw tantrums


Mostly As: It’s your toddler: a warm-hearted, wayward but essentially good miniature human who just needs teaching what’s what. Like Peppa Pig is crap and those two bits of cake are the f**king same size.

Mostly Bs: It’s your boss, who possesses the cold, dead heart of a zombie snake and just needs teaching what’s what. Like that expenses claim is embezzlement and he should be in jail.

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Five rich person problems to moan about at the school gates

WORRIED people don’t realise you are substantially more successful than they are? Make it clear with these topics:

The shortage of holiday homes in Cornwall

It’s a total nightmare, everything within two miles of Mousehole is being snapped up by bastard second-home owners. You, however, are in genuine need because little Noah’s sailing teacher says he’ll never make the Olympic team without ocean race experience.

Parking spaces are too small for your SUV

You’re obliged to drive down the middle of all the local roads to protect your shiny paintwork, but where are you supposed to actually stop? The spaces at Waitrose are simply not big enough, which is why you are forced to park horizontally across three of them at once.

Your partner’s PA wants to keep working from home

Your partner wants their PA back in the office, because it is status-enhancing to have a gatekeeper between them and the millennials who have returned to work to escape their crowded flatshares. The PA’s sob story about wanting to see her toddler is so unconvincing. Surely people have a nanny for that?

You can’t find an au pair because of Brexit

Formerly cheap as chips, or rather frites, you are now having to contemplate paying someone over £25,600 in order that they can enter the country. Which is a bit of a pain, but still better than the tedium of having to read your own child a bedtime story every evening.

You’ve got to get home to let the gardener in

Having staff is so awkward and constraining. The other day the gardener knocked the new pizza oven into the hot tub while turning the ride-on mower. Having perfect parallel stripes on the beautifully manicured lawn is almost more trouble than it’s worth.