Cleaner disgusted with how little cleaning you do

YOUR cleaner judges you harshly over how little cleaning you do, she has confirmed.

Lucy Parry, who has realised how much money can be made out of horrible slobs who can’t be arsed to pick up a duster, thinks all her clients are disgusting.

Parry said: “The people who employ me insist on extensive background checks to make sure I’m not a criminal and yet they’re the ones leaving smears of cocaine on their tacky glass tables.

“I have to bring my own industrial strength products as they only have virtue-signalling eco-friendly ones which just move germs around rather than actually killing them. A hint of lavender is no match for sodium percarbonate.

“I hope they can see on my face the utter disdain I feel about the squalor of their homes when we meet on the stairs. I think they can, as they all seem to be frightened of me.”

Client Emma Bradshaw said: “I thought our house might provide a nice challenge for Lucy, but I’ve learned that cleaners only want to clean houses that are already clean.

“Now we get up at 6am and do a big spruce up before she comes. It’s much easer all round.”

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Pregnant woman planning all the fun stuff she'll do on maternity leave will soon f**king learn

A WOMAN who has been calling her upcoming maternity leave a ‘year off’ will soon be forced to face reality, friends have confirmed.

Hannah Tomlinson has made a list of everything she will do with all the free time she has once her baby is born, including retiling the bathroom, learning French and writing a novel.

Tomlinson said: “People make such a fuss about how hard it is but it’s all about attitude. Babies are tiny and sleep a lot so how much trouble can they be?

“I’ll pop it in a freshly laundered sling and spend my days going to art galleries and sitting in cute cafes writing insightful prose poems about the delights of motherhood.

“Maybe I’ll even hire a camper van and travel around Europe solo. I certainly won’t spend it watching back-to-back seasons of Friends whilst frantically googling ‘cracked nipples’. What a waste of time.”

Friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “We’ve started a sweepstake on how soon we visit Hannah to find her weeping, surrounded by filth and too knackered to even hold a pen.

“I’m giving it three days.”