Emergency plumber drunk on godlike power

AN emergency plumber with an exorbitant call-out fee and a string of desperate clients is feeling more powerful than Zeus, he has confirmed.

Due to offering a round-the-clock service, Bill McKay can toy with the fates of normal humans like a supreme deity looking down from Mount Olympus while holding an adjustable spanner.

McKay said: “Got a burst pipe and need urgent help? Water pouring through the ceiling at 2am? Call me, feeble underlings, and I will decide whether to bestow my mercy upon you.

“If I’m honest, being richer than Croesus simply because I know how to tighten the hose on a washing machine gets a little dull. To keep things interesting I have considered asking a man with a blocked toilet to fight a family with a flooded basement for who gets my services first.

“However, my missus says that would be even more morally dubious than tripling my hourly rate for a client just because I arrived at their place a second after 5pm on a Friday, when I should be down the pub.

“But it’s hard not to feel contempt for the pitiful idiots who could sort most of this shit out themselves if they learned what a stopcock is. So until they do I will continue to rule as an almighty king, while charging £320 an hour, plus VAT.”

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Florence Pugh's guide to reconciling your feminist views with getting your nips out

FLORENCE Pugh decided to give everyone an interesting look at her nipples at the Oscars. Here the Don’t Worry Darling star explains why this in no way conflicts with feminist principles.

We’re hypocritical about nipples

Society dictates that it’s fine to see cleavage, sideboob, underboob, or indeed most of a boob, but not nipples. It’s time we ended this hypocrisy. Even men have assured me they would like to see more nipples all the time. Thanks for being such great allies, guys.

Nipples make films less boring

Don’t you hate films’ coy reluctance to show nipples? It shows a shameful lack of artistic courage and, if the film is quite boring and contrived like Midsommar, nipples keep people interested. Trust me, if you stick with the tiresome Swedish hippies and their illogical murder-commune long enough you do see some nips eventually. Sorry they’re not mine. I feel viewers earned it.

Showing your nipples isn’t pandering to men

How can I be sure of this? Because it’s pandering to the multi-million dollar publicity machine that enables me to get parts in films. Obviously that’s bad too, but I can definitely say it’s not pandering to men. They’re sitting at home wanking over infinitely more rewarding MILF porn.

I’m striking a blow for smaller-breasted women

‘What. Is. So. Terrifying. About the size of my boobs and body?’ That’s what I posted on Instagram after getting flak for wearing a see-through dress once. I’m proving women can show their nipples without having the large breasts society demands. Although to be honest mine are a decent handful, and you’d have to be a picky bastard not to have sex with a hot actress because their tits are fractionally too small, so maybe I’m worrying unnecessarily.

My nipples are good for feminist filmmaking

As mentioned, if people remember my nipples, they’ll remember me, and therefore want to see films like Don’t Worry Darling. That’s got a powerful feminist message, which is: don’t let your boyfriend wipe your memory and keep you trapped in an oppressive 1950s virtual reality. Men are such bastards sometimes.

Men’s nipples are completely socially acceptable

What sort of weird double standard is going on here? If I show people my perky tits it’s controversial, but no one bats an eyelid if a fat builder gets out his wobbly moobs in a pub beer garden? I realise that’s a bit sexist and he should be body-positive too, but come on people, who would you rather shag, Sydney Sweeney or Dave who built your extension?

Nipples are a celebration of womanhood

Nipples are for feeding our young, and without them there’d be no humans, unless babies evolved so they could eat grass or small frogs or whatever. Anyway, my point is that nipples represent the miraculous cycle of birth and life. I’m pretty sure that’s why people like looking at them, not because they’re handy for wanking.