Entire nation resolves to quit work and open café

EVERY single person in Britain has vowed to quit their horrible boring job and open a lovely local café, it has emerged.

The cafes, which would variously be focused on books, jazz, cats, crisps, boardgames and the music of the Human League, would apparently be easy to run despite the inexperience of their owners.

Martin Bishop of Manchester said: “Mine would be a cottage in the foothills of Snowdonia, sell rare maps like the one I got for Christmas, and have a lovely red setter that greeted weary customers.

“Though it’d be pretty quiet so mainly I’d lounge about drinking coffee and eating croissants.”

Colleage Eleanor Shaw said: “My Cotswold-stone former toll house would have crystals in the windows casting lovely rainbows of light and specialise in cupcakes. It’s definitely happening. I’ve been on Zoopla.”

Business expert Joe Turner said: “There is the minor concern that people are confusing sitting around in a café with the hard grind of running a small business, with all its workload of hygiene certificates, insurance, tax and employment law.

“But mostly it doesn’t matter by next week they’ll have abandoned all hope.”

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Dad’s short cut adds 15 minutes to journey

A FATHER of teenage boys has dodged traffic by taking a rat-run that added 15 minutes to a 20-minute journey, his children have confirmed. 

Tom Logan was taking his kids to school when he spotted temporary lights and immediately swerved onto a maze of back streets, an A-road and through a retail park to eventually rejoin his route two miles back from the cars that stayed in the queue.

He said: “It was like something from a Fast and Furious movie, except at 20mph on speed-bump suburban streets, in a Kia.

“Sure, the satnav wouldn’t like it, but no satnav can compete with the unshakable confidence of a middle-aged man behind the wheel who knows this town like he knows the literary works of Jeremy Clarkson.

“By the end, other drivers were honking their horns in appreciation as I barrelled down one-way streets to eventually reach the same road I was on before.”

Son Ryan Logan said: “Sometimes I help out by saying ‘Hey, looks like a queue up ahead Dad’. He lurches offroad and I get an extra 20 minutes on Fortnite.”