Man working from home forced to hot desk with cat

A FREELANCER working from home is forced to share a workspace with his pet cat. 

Graphic designer Tom Logan has attempted to pull rank on four-year-old tabby Leonora by saying he needed the desk more, but was disdainfully dismissed.

He said: “Yeah, I have to get in pretty early in the morning if I want to get on the old iMac Pro workstation, or she’s asleep on it.

“The arrangement makes no fiscal sense. When I’m there, I’m using the machine’s tools to draft up logos, assemble images, typography, motion graphics.

“All she produces from walking on the keyboard is output like ‘xxxfhghhjlrlrltltltwqe’ and ‘ssbhltoalglglhltlu’ and then looking at me proudly like she’s produced some sort of vital mission statement.”

“I point out to her that this sort of gibberish isn’t going to put food in the bowl but there’s little point and frankly I spend far too much time talking to the cat as it is.

“Anyway, we’ve come to an arrangement. When she’s not at the computer she sits on the carpet and tends to her private parts and when I’m not, I do something similar.”

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Straight-to-streaming erotic thrillers, and six other future roles for Harry and Meghan

THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are now free to go their own way, but what will they do with the rest of their lives? Here’s a few options: 

Straight-to-streaming erotic thrillers
Setting up their own movie production company, the couple will write, produce, direct and star in their own series of racy erotic thrillers filmed in various Crown Estates properties, so Meghan can be the first woman to give millions of adolescent boys those feelings.

Following the Obamas around
After an initially delightful weekend in the Hamptons, the Obamas will then find Harry and Meghan turn up everywhere they go, grinning expectantly, telling the same anecdotes. The former president and first lady last six months before going into hiding.

Following another six months of press invective the couple decide that they couldn’t be hated more if they joined Isis so what the hell. Harry’s military and Meghan’s media experience lead them to a stunning victory in Syria, which at this point will take anyone.

Continuity Beckhams
Not content with being the spare heir to the Windsors, Harry and Meghan become the spare heirs to the Beckham’s football and fashion empire, ready to step in if anything should happen to Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper.

Affairs with Justin Trudeau
Drawn irresistably to the young Canadian prime minister’s centrist charm, Meghan will begin an extra-marital affair with him. Not to be left out, so will Harry. They become the first polyamorist trio to rule a country.

Drug barons
Forced to hire ex-cocaine cartel security after their own is stripped away, Harry gets chatting and decides it’s the game for him. Becomes the northern hemisphere head of the Sinaloa Cartel. William forced to kiss his ring in fealty.

Breakfast television
As the classic grumpy bloke-pretty girl combination are picked up by Canadian breakfast telly, quickly beat all rivals and are hired as the new hosts of GMTV. ‘We did all this to destroy you,’ Meghan whispers to a weeping Piers Morgan as security throw him out.